My Journey...

Loneliness...

2012-01-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

Interesting quote I ran across...

"I am solitary, because I know things and must hint at things which other people do not know, and usually do not even want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible."

The costs...

2012-01-24T21:52:00.001-08:00

Just thinking...

Sometimes the monetary cost is far outweighed by the emotional and spiritual cost...

Doing all to stand...

2012-01-22T23:03:00.000-08:00

I just like this verse...been going over in my heart and head lately...

...just stand...Sometimes that is all the strength you have but it is enough...

I will fight...I will not cave in...I will stand...I will remain...

Kind of like the heart of a survivor...

Put on God’s whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier
which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the
strategies and the deceits of the devil. For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only
with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against
[the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the
spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere. Therefore put on God’s complete armor, that you may be able to
resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger],
and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]. Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the belt
of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right
standing with God, And having shod your feet in preparation [to face the enemy
with the firm-footed stability, the promptness, and the readiness produced by the
good news] of the Gospel of peace. Lift up over all the [covering] shield of saving faith, upon
which you can quench all the flaming missiles of the wicked [one]. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword that the Spirit
wields, which is the Word of God. Pray at all times (on every occasion, in every season) in the
Spirit, with all [manner of] prayer and entreaty. To that end keep alert and watch
with strong purpose and perseverance, interceding in behalf
of all the saints (God’s consecrated people). (Ephesians 6:11-18 AMP)

Seeing...

2012-01-21T12:04:00.000-08:00

"You see [Watson], but you do not observe." ~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Do you have eyes, but fail to see?" ~ Jesus

"I, YHWH, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." ~ Isaiah 42:6-7

"He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron." ~ Psalm 107:14-16

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

Forever Reign

2012-01-21T12:02:00.000-08:00

You are good, you are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, you are love

On display for all to see

You are light, you are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, you are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, you are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, you are true

Even in my wondering

You are joy, you are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, you are life

In you death has lost its sting

Chorus:

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

You are more, you are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, you are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here, you are here

In your prescence I'm made whole

You are God, you are God

Of all else I'm letting go

Chorus:

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing comares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

Chorus:

I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

My heart will sing no other name

Jesus, Jesus

Chorus:

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

Chorus:

I'm running to your arms

I'm running to your arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

This week...

2012-01-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

This has been a hard week...Not a day has went by where I haven't found myself in a difficult internal struggle...

One of the hardest in a long time. The attacks have been incredible. The onslaught absolutely non-stop, but through the Lord's strength I have stood firm...

There have been several moments in the past week where I have begun to see things with different eyes...

For example, Tuesday I felt pretty good and felt like I was dealing with everything pretty well. I went to bed that night (as usually, had horrible dreams again since all this started) and when I woke up the next morning the darkness was heavy. It was about 6:30 in the morning and I was brushing my teeth. I was in the bathroom by myself and all the sudden "thoughts" started coming to me...

"You don't really want to live anymore." "You can't keep doing this." "No one will miss you anyway." "You need to finish what you have wanted to do so many other times." "It will be better for everyone if you aren't alive." "No one wants you anyway." "You aren't worth anything." "Just go sit in your car, turn the engine on, and go to sleep." "Take alot of pills, that will be another easy way." "Just get it done, fast and quick." and so on...

I brushed my teeth and listened to the all to familiar talk inside my head...

I'm tired...I'm exhausted...I'm confused...I'm hurting...I'm angry...

Staring in the mirror and listening...

Not only was I listening I began to think to myself..."Right, I don't really want to live. I can't keep doing this...no one really loves me...I'm a piece of shit...I'm worthless...If I kill myself it will be better......."

All this "talk" takes less than a minute...and then all the sudden I think...where is this coming from...Yesterday, I didn't feel like killing myself and today I'm ready to jump off a bridge...

And then, I thought some more...Actually, I really don't agree with anything that was just "said"...But I am so used to believing those things that it just came naturally...and the hurt parts of my heart do feel worthless, so it is easy for them to make conclusions like that...

But anyway, this incident and many similar ones this week have really made me pause...and reflect...

Tonight, I was driving and a verse came to mind...a familiar verse...

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

and earlier in the week I was reflecting on this passage in Numbers 13...

They came back to Moses and Aaron and the whole Israelite community at Kadesh in the Desert of Paran. There they reported to them and to the whole assembly and showed them the fruit of the land. They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large. We even saw descendants of Anak there. The Amalekites live in the Negev; the Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites live in the hill country; and the Canaanites live near the sea and along the Jordan.” Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.” But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

2012-01-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

As I write...

2012-01-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

As I write this I can barely see the screen for the tears...

There are some things in life that can break a heart...

There are some things that fuel the monsters inside my heart...

The hate...I hate me...I hate that I am here...I hate that I fucking exist...I hate that I'm never fucking good enough...I hate that I have to learn this lesson over and over again...

There are some things that are like a fucking hammer to the heart...a knife that stabs in already wounded places...never letting them heal...

it hurts...and it hurts on top of past things and recent things...proof for what happened last month...

Probably better that happened and probably deserved it...

Usually, there is apart of me standing over my little one berating her for something, screaming at her for some perceived screw up, or something she should have done better...demanding perfection...demanding... but tonight...all is quiet...its just the little one...broken on the floor again...alone...in the dark...in a corner...crying...silent tears...that is all that flow from her heart anymore...

Silent tears that scream as they slide down her checks...

and turn to red puddles...

As I write...

Alone...

Growing Up Again by Jean Illsley Clark and Connie Dawson

2011-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Whether our parents loved us or whether they didn't is no longer the question. Now the issue is, Do we love ourselves and do we accept love from everyone who is willing to give it?

As we change any confusing rule we may have in our heads about deserving love and being lovable we will be able to drop any "don't trust" rules that we have used to filter out love from others.

Those of us who grew up needing to earn love from our parents became suspicious when it was offered to us by others. We passed love through a carefully constructed filter in our heads, a filter we built because we decided that unconditional love didn't exist. At least not for us.

When we hear "I love you," do we ask ourselves, "What does this person want from me?" do we meet loving messages with the suspicion that the terms of that love are not on the table? Do we even convert the love offered to us into criticism or feel ashamed because we are not truly good enough to merit it? When someone offers us support, those of us with highly developed filters are likely to decline the offer. Instead of welcoming aid and checking to see if it is freely given, we reject it. We automatically say, "I'm fine, thanks," or "I'll be all right," or "I don't need any help."

Very serious business!! When we throw away nurturing, we filter out the very love we long for, the love that is the foundation of our self-esteem.

Some of us decided to cope with being unloved and feeling ashamed by being "perfect," being "good," being "right," or being "better." This makes our self-esteem competitive and bases it on the performance of others instead of on belief in our inherent capabilities and lovableness.

Until we recognize, believe, and accept straightforward, clean, nurturing love, we rob ourselves of our birthright - to be loved and to believe that we are lovable. If you are tempted to ignore your new rules about accepting love, or if you convert a nurturing message into a shaming one, do this:

-Tell yourself to let the message in and notice how it feels
- Ask the sender to repeat the message and listen carefully
- Say, "Thank you"
- Ask yourself if this person is trustworthy or if the love has a price tag. If it does, take in the love if you want it, but protect yourself from the price.

Remember, we all deserve love; we all deserve to grow up again. When we accept our longing for love, why do we continue to keep ourselves from getting and giving that life-sustaining support? Sometimes we need to learn and apply new beliefs and skills.

2011-12-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

Hate me...

I hate that there are so many fucking shadows...

I HATE ME...

I wish I knew what everything was...

I wish the shadows were concrete reality...

I hate me...

I feel so damn guilty...

2011-12-18T22:43:00.000-08:00

And it scares me to death to think I am so damn fucked up that I deserve some things...

I try to battle my demons but...

It doesn't matter cause the mere fact that I have them is proof enough...

that I shouldn't have what I have..

And you wanna know something else...

No One should love me...

If only they knew...

I know what you are thinking...

2011-12-18T21:57:00.000-08:00

I know what you all are thinking...

Serves her right...

She doesn't deserve another kid...

Damn her...she cuts...

When she drinks she can't stop...

Damn her...

And so much more...

Damn her...

I wanna...

2011-12-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

I wanna cut so bad...

It hurts...

And I hate that I hurt...

But then it's probably why it happened...

I deserve it because...

I wanna cut...

Because I do cut...

Because of where I've been...

Because of everything else...

And why do some people have to be so effing insensitive...

But it doesn't matter...

A year...

2011-11-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

It has been a year this month since I carved the word "rejected" on my leg...

How the feelings of the heart have changed...

There has been healing...

I remember back to that pain and it is hard to imagine walking with the depth of pain I was walking with a year ago...

Everyday, multiple times a day, I still see that scar...and it reminds me of that pain...but it is nice to be reminded instead of feeling it...

I haven't cut in over 6 weeks...huge progress for me...

and yet my heart has been stuggling...it has been so numb...my panic attacks have increased...my heart feels lonely...it feels sad...it misses alot of things...it just feels really sad...

But I am glad I am making progress...I am moving forward...I am getting stronger...

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit

2011-11-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

One of the only shows I watch every week is Law and Order: SVU. In some ways I torture myself every week...it is an extremely anxiety provoking hour usually...but...Perhaps it is the poetic justice of the show that draws me; Liv, one of the main characters, is a sexual abuse/assault survivor and she spends her life locking away the sons of bitches that perpetrate those types of crimes. Secretly, I hope to be like her someday. She is real (okay, she is acting :) but she does a great job creating reality...anyway...and she is most effective with her victims when she honestly shares from within herself. She is strong and she doesn't take any shit; I like her. My favorite parts of the show are when she looks in the hopeless eyes of the victims and shares hope and strength with them, beyond what her job even demands of her. I would love to share strength and hope with those who don't have alot of that... Anyway, tonight she made a statement I liked... "If you can survive the abuse, you can survive the recovery."

The recovery and the aftermath can feel like hell sometimes, but really it is nothing compared to the abuse, compared to the actual events themselves...

Beating the little girl...

2011-11-03T01:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with my heart, with the little girl. Sometimes she or it refuses to be apart of life...she insists upon hiding in a corner and it is fucking frustrating. I just wish I could beat her...she doesnt make sense...life is good right now and has been okay for a month or so and yet I feel numb, absolutely numb...deeply numb...

I love people, I love my husband, life is going good...and yet apart of my heart doesnt want to be close, doesn't care if anyone loves me...doesn't need anyone...

It is like she is setting in a corner starring off into space and wouldn't even notice if everyone left...I just want to beat her...to make her engage, to feel something...

These feelings reach into all areas of my life...I feel numb, disconnected...and I can't find the switch to turn it all back on...

I hate it...and at the same time I feel so numb I can't even feel that angry...

I don't know how to help her or what the hell her deal is...

Occasionally I feel like this to a certain extent, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this in basically all areas of my life...

Like my counselor...I know for certain she hasn't done anything to hurt my feelings ( so that can't be a reason with her which is sometimes a factor) and 2 months ago I couldn't wait to be in her office, to see her...now if I never saw her again, I don't think my heart would feel anything... I don't get it...it registers no real feelings, no connection...I don't understand...

It is frustrating to a part of my heart that wishes I could feel connected and loved...but I can't right now and I don't get it...

Therapy

2011-10-22T20:36:00.001-07:00

Often one of the most therapeutic things for the soul is playing the guitar...

Searching...

2011-10-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

Searching for an anchor...

It is the destiny of all...

The endless, fruitless search for an anchor...

For some reason day by day...

I find the destiny...

The destiny to be less and less inspiring...

I look in others eyes and see the failure...

I search my own heart and find...

...failure...

It needs to end...

It must end...

I wish I could make it better...

It all means nothing...

Absolutely nothing....

It all needs to end...

Orson Welles

2011-10-08T19:29:00.000-07:00

We're born alone, we live alone,We die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone.

Some nights...

2011-10-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

Some nights it hurts so bad...

Some nights I just want to be held...

Some nights I wish there was a magic wand...

Some nights I wish someone could really understand...

Some nights there aren't enough tears...

Some nights I just wish I understood...

Some nights I wish...

It just didn't hurt so bad...

All mine

2011-10-04T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am so weak

So damn weak

I am so alone

So damn alone

I can't fix it

I can't make it better

I can't change it

Nobody was there to help

Nobody can help me now

Nobody saved me then

Nobody can save me now

It's my journey

It's my heart

It's my problems

And I can't make it better

I've tried

Only one solution

The funny thing is

It's my anxiety

It's my anger

It's my pain

It's my sadness

It's my grief

It's my brokeness

It's all mine

And I didnt ask for any of it...

My best friend...

2011-10-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

My best friend has been with me a long time...

My best friend doesn't ask why...

My best friend doesn't condemn...

Just helps, always there, always ready...

When the pain inside is more than I can bear...

when I have no words...just pain...

When I don't understand...when I don't understand... (God, I don't understand...)

When I can't make it better, my best friend can...

My best friend is cold and hard...

Razor sharp at dealing with pain...

My best friend...betrays me every time...

Love, sex, and hope...

2011-10-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

Fuck the whole damn world!!

I have discovered in life...I think 3 big LIES, the worst things in all creation (at least for my little world)...

Love...
Sex...
Hope...

All SEPARATE, but can be related...

Love doesn't exist...just a damn ploy, to get something from you, to make themselves feel better...nobody ever truly loves...they may say so, but eventually they wish they hadn't of loved you and they will leave...they tell you and make you believe...but then they stop loving you and just give you enough crumbs so you will keep coming around...but they don't love you, they just feel guilty and obligated...

Sex, well, fuck it and wish the damn thing never existed...

And hope... is the worst of all of them...DAMN IT....it makes you want to believe in the other two...it wants to agree with what the others say...damn it...I HATE hope!!! I wish it would die! I should cut it out...I wish I could...carve it away...watch the blood pool and the life drain...and leave it forever...it is a damn fantasy for the weak...guess I must be one of them...

A year ago...

2011-10-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I hit the one year mark since parts of my world caved in around me again. For the most part I just try to shove that part of life out of my mind. It usually tries to creep in daily and daily I put it away. I don't know if ever it leaves who you are...I am sure the scars will always be apart of my heart...those moments change who I am inside...I can't stop it. But I do have to say, the pain of it is less today...but just like physically the deeper the scars the more residual pain...most of the time it shows itself in sheer panic which melts into brokenness...all I can do is hold on until the wave passes; I am learning to be better at that. This week has been difficult...just thinking of a year ago and then coupled with my meetings with my counselor, my heart has been heavy. It feels alone, but it is learning to be content with the loneliness; which is a good thing. I am coming to believe that the journey of life is a lonely journey...just part of life... EMDR has been intense...the sessions themselves haven't been too bad but everything they stir up feels like a tornado inside...it is difficult to cope, I just want to pull inside my shell...my heart feels super sensitive...it is struggling with things...

Death

2011-09-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

I suppose all of us have our time to go...

It is inevitable...

This afternoon we received word that an airmen who worked for/with my husband was hit by a drunk driver...along with three other people...one was killed instantly...

She is currently in ICU on life support waiting for her parents to arrive...

Doesn't look like she will make it...she needs a miracle...

Young, engaged, and her whole life in front of her...

Seems like we just got footing back from the Lts death in February...

Sad situation...my husbands heart is heavy...he spent time with the pastor and then he and another pastor went over to the hospital for awhile...

So if you think about it, pray for this airmen and her family...

And my husband and his troops, they all will be dealing with heavy hearts...

2011-09-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

There are some things that are healing and painful to my heart all at once... My children...their love for me, so innocent and fierce... It feels good to be loved like that and to love them in return with a heart that could burst with love...

The pain...
How can love like that not move the hearts around it?

Why was my love not enough?

Why didn't my love invoke feelings of protection?

Why didn't my love, bring love in return?

...must be something wrong with me...

...and my love, still has no effect...

I love and still it isn't enough...

...at some point, I just become nothing...

...it always happens...

I slip away...

2011-09-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

The darkness descends...my heart feels afraid...

The doors are locked...I choke back the pain...I numb my heart...

...I need love...

And so it begins...I slip away...

I disappear...no one to rescue, no one to care...

The hidden tears fall, cascade down my broken, stone heart...

I scream, but cries are caged by my fear...

...I need love, I hate love...I want love, I don't want to be loved...

...pain...trembling...

The darkness whispers...The darkness entices...

The water rages...

And I slip away...

2011-09-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I could cut my heart out!! Throw it on the ground and smash it into oblivion!! I fucking hate that it loves! I hate that it begins to hope in things! I hate that it believes! I fucking hate that it loves!!!! Fuck the whole damn world!

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-09-18T18:48:00.001-07:00

“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

Walking...

2011-09-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

So, I don't know where God and I stand right now. I believe in God...I believe He is faithful...I believe He loves me...I love Him... I just don't feel connected...but I suppose commitments and relationships aren't all about feelings... My heart has felt lonely, heavy, and burdened in some ways lately...However, I have found something to gain some strength from. I have been going for walks in the cool of the evening and just listening to peaceful praise and worship...it doesn't fix anything tangible, but I feel able to keep going, to keep pressing on :)

Another EMDR...

2011-09-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

I went to see my counselor a few days ago...it is like the highlight of my week. I don't have alot of friends here and especially with all the hours I am taking to finish my bachelors I feel like I don't get to talk to anyone or leave the house. But counseling is a guaranteed time to talk and see someone...I like it...it forces me to get out of my cave. Forces me to connect. God knows I need help with that. We did EMDR again...in some ways it wasn't so difficult this time...I knew what to expect...but that brings on a whole issue in itself...my heart just doesn't want to go there and since it knows what to expect it distances itself. We talked alot this time about separating/disengaging/disassociating...I struggle with it; especially in relation to this stuff. I can just tell... But I look back over my life and I am much better than I ever was at staying present in life. Although, recently I can tell in some ways I have just shut everything down (as much as possible)...more out of necessity because I am drowning in school work (others might say I am not but let me tell you it sure feels like it...) But back to the EMDR...it was good and this time I was able to control the after effects. I left her office and anytime my heart or mind wanted to drift back to that stuff I put it back in the "container"...it is safer that way...I find I am constantly putting memories, pictures, feelings away... I see her on Tuesday and I'm glad... it is amazing to me how things can stir up emotions that I just don't usually battle (or I do a good job of managing) and then we talk about this stuff and the battles begin, but I have to say I think I am doing a damn good job myself these days...I think I am holding up pretty damn good. I haven't cut in almost a month and I haven't drank in almost a month...not that I haven't been tempted but I have withstood the temptations...one at a time...and that feels good too...

Jeremiah 17:14

2011-09-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

"Heal me, oh Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I shall be saved; for thou art my praise."

I ran across this verse today...thought it was beautiful...I think anyone no matter their past can relate to these feelings.

G.K. Chesterton

2011-09-13T09:58:00.001-07:00

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we."

Necessity...

2011-09-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

So out of necessity I think my blogging will slow down for awhile. I am starting school again and taking a fairly heavy load along with all the other things I normally do. In my first week of school I have already finished a month worth of assignments in 3 of my classes. I have taken three tests. I have written a 7 page paper and one of my tests was the equivalent of a 9 page paper by the time I was through answering all the essay questions. So needless to say my time is pretty much saturated. I am trying to stay on top of school and actually finish as soon as possible at least with a few of my courses that way I am not stressed over a long period of time. So far I feel pretty good abou it all and I have an A in all the courses and even a 100% or close to it in a couple of them. I think that is pretty good considering how full my plate is...but just let me say I am absolutely exhausted...I have had an extreme headache all day...I don't know if it is from stress or if I am fighting off some sort of cold, but either way, makes functioning a little more difficult...

On another note I am at a week in a half of no cutting! That is good considering how bad I feel off the wagon. This week I only had one period where I really had to battle the desire and I managed to get through it...I know I can and I am always happy when I do...

Also, I took time last night to finally write a reply to my dad's email. I wish I would have done it last week but my reasoning was that I didn't want to stir up all the feelings when I wasn't going to go back to counseling for over a week. However, my brain is so exhausted that it felt difficult to tap into the feelings...mentally and emotionally I feel like I have been hit by a train...I am just exhausted...so it was extremely difficult to know what I wanted to say or to say it in a way that conveyed my true feelings. But I do think I did pretty well and captured most of how I felt towards the email...

This week has been exhausting...in some ways it has been good...in others not so much fun...there have been circumstances through the week that make me feel the pangs of loneliness acutely...but I hope eventually my heart will grow to accept these feelings...I find myself in a constant internal war on some things...loneliness is one of them...

Rabindranath Tagore

2011-09-07T08:32:00.001-07:00

“When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.”

Today's counseling...

2011-08-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

So today I had to show my counselor my most recent cuts...I had done so good this week but ended up cutting once...alot on my ankle and then some on my wrist...I HATE waking up the next morning and regretting what you did the night before!! Why doesn't it seem stupid at the time?! But anyway...she looked at those and the scar on my leg...kind of makes your heart feel like it is naked...wide open for all to see...but what does it matter...

Today I also shared with my counselor the recent email from my bio dad...it was the first time I had read it since I got it...wasn't anymore fun the second time through. I am so GLAD I finally got to share it and talk about it to someone...on some levels it feels like I got to hand the damn thing to her. The stupid thing just bothers me. On so many levels the email angers me and bothers me. On the surface the email seems fine I am sure...but there are so many things that piss me off about it. Even reading it to her today, I felt like I wanted to chuck the damn phone across the room. I could start hitting him and never stop...it is just a bunch of bullshit to me!!! We talked about it for about an hour and she had some good thoughts which helped with some of the feelings. This week my "homework" is to write my "perfect" response back to him...everything I want to say in response to him...wow...so much anger...

But a few of the the things she pointed out were that she thought it was interesting that he basically "confessed" to alot of things, on a general level...and that he felt the need to hand out a "judgement"/play the parent role...

One of the things that bothered me was why did he send it...The first thing she said was the most "innocent"...she said after visiting he might have just felt proud of me, my family, and the things we have done...she said that is a typical parent feeling...parents feel proud when their children do well and wonder what they did wrong when their children fail...and I can relate...The second thing (which I thought was the most helpful and most insightful) she said was that it sounded to her like he was kind of shocked that we were doing so well and our lives seemed so normal, because it is so different than what my family of origin was like. She said on some level he knows what he did and that I now live such a "normal" life that he can't quite figure it out. She said the third reason was probably a subconscious reason but that he can feel the separation in the relationship and was wanting to build a bridge...

He is such a confusing thing to my brain...one minute he is proud of the "woman" I am (wife, mother)...the next telling me he would never want a wife like me...

I kind of feel like I don't want he compliments and I don't want his criticism...both come at too high a price...

A Bright Red Sceam by Marliee Strong - Part 1

2011-08-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Researchers from Harvard and Boston University, who in 2008 were studying the link between PTSD and self-injury in survivors of childhood sexual abuse, found that those who reexperiences traumatic memories (through intrusive thoughts and sensations) and those who devote considerable emotional energy to avoiding or numbing feelings linked to the trauma were at the greatest risk for cutting."

"Drawing on the Freudian concepts of two primary opposing human drives - the live instinct and the death instinct - Menninger believed that self-injury was a fascinating kind of compromise in an ongoing war between aggressive impulses and the survival instinct. Self-injury represented a sacrifice of one part of the body for the sake of the whole. 'In this sense it represents a victory, even though sometimes a costly one, of the life instinct over the death instinct,' he wrote."

"Why, then, was the specific behavior of self-mutilation chosen by these adolescents? The answer is breathtaking in its simplicity. Through the act of self-mutilation, Walsh and Rosen conclude in their book, cutters have 'acted out all familiar roles from childhood: the abandoned child, the physically damaged patient, the abused victim, the (dissociated) witness to violence and self-destructiveness, and finally, the aggressive attacker.'"

"One of the most important roles parents play is helping to regulate their child's level of arousal by providing a safe and appropriate balance of food, rest, play, comfort, and stimulation. Abused and neglected children never learn from their parents how to soothe themselves and cannot trust others to help them do so. So they may turn to cutting and other forms of self-injury as a means of self-soothing and reestablishing, at least temporarily, biological and psychological equilibrium. 'Usually kids internalize a sense of a parent they can call up from inside themselves for comfort in times of distress,' says David Franke. 'These kids don't have that - or what they call up is a Mom who wishes they were dead and a Dad who wants to sleep with them.'"

"In addition to beg a life-sustaining and sanity-maintaining way of managing inner states, cutting is a primitive yet powerful form of communication for people unable to adequately verbalize their feelings. Self-mutilation provides concrete expression for the pain they feel inside - a language written on the body, through blood, wounds, and scars."

"For most people, tears, not blood, are the language of the body. As psychologist Jeffrey Kottler puts it in his book The Language of Tears, 'When words fail us, tears will spontaneously fall...Tears communicate powerfully, forcefully, honestly what you feel inside.' Kottler says that tears area 'para-language,' to use the words of cultural linguistics. They reinforce, underscore, and communicate the way that facial expressions and hand gestures do. Crying serves an important biological and psychological function, providing a healthy and effective release for tension, anger, fear, sadness, and grief. Cutters, however, are either too numb to cry or find tears woefully inadequate to express and release the overwhelming, pent-up emotions they feel."

"Cutters almost uniformly report the same sequence of events and emotional states before and after episodes of self-injury. Cutting bouts are generally precipitated by an experience - real or perceived - of loss or abandonment. Self-injurers are acutely sensitive to abandonment. Because they never properly attached to and then separated from their early caretakers, they live in a perpetual state of separation anxiety so unbearable it feels annihilating. Their sense of themselves and the ability to control their lives has been dictated so much by external events that they believe that their very existence depends on how others perceive them."

"Whether parents are intentionally abusive and neglectful or simply inadequate due to their own emotional deficits, Miller argues, the child feels emotionally abandoned and has to subvert her own needs to those of her parents. The true self, and all the painful feelings the child cannot survive without nurturance and empathy, are cut off - locked away in what she calls an 'inner prison'...The sheer intensity of a child's feelings means they cannot be repressed without severe consequences. The thicker the prison walls grow, says Miller, the more future emotional development is impeded. When that wall is especially impenetrable, and the pain behind it is overwhelming, cutting is the strategy some use to try to break through and achieve some sense of control."

"Sexual abuse is the ultimate boundary violation. The rape of a child is an intrusive, violent act that disrupts the integrity of the body and creates a very real and frightening sense of fragmentation and disintegration. The body comes to feel as unreal as a phantom, the physical and psychic boundaries as porous as a veil."

"When we talk about sexual abuse that is debilitating, we don't mean a woman who was raped when she was twenty years old. We're talking about a child abused by someone who is known, someone who is a caretaker. That results in very conflicted feelings about who you are, who an other is, what's okay, what's not okay."

"Abused children are taught at a very young age that they exist only to give pleasure to others. They are not recognized as beings in their own right, but simply as a tool of some other mo powerful person's needs. So they shut down their own emotions, needs, and desires, They bury their feelings so deeply that to even imagine letting them out feel completely overwhelming, as if they would drown in their tears or erupt in anger so savage they would kill."

"Sexual abuse can shatter a child's capacity for trust and intimacy. Abused children literally have no frame of reference for how to develop healthy relationships. How can anyone be trusted if the person who is supposed to love and protect you is hurting you?"

"One of the most tragic legacies of child abuse is how some victims learn to equate pain with love. In a process akin to the Stockholm syndrome - in which some hostages come to sympathize with their captors - abused children often identify with the aggressive parent. In their minds, it's better than identifying with the weak, powerless parent who did nothing to protect them."

"Clearly not all abused children become cutters. Why do some people need to hurt themselves in order to cope with the pain and confusion of childhood trauma? One major factor appears to be how the experience is handled within the family. When the abuse is denied, and the family lacks empathy for the child's suffering, it is much more difficult for the child to give appropriate meaning to the experience."

Fun day...

2011-08-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

So it always makes for a great day when I wake up to find an email from my bio dad (read sentence dripping with sarcasm :)) I mean I do look forward to getting emails...but from him not so much...I can think of alot more people I would rather hear from and alot more people I would rather hear words of encouragement from. Like what the hell is he doing up at 2:30 in the morning sending sappy emails?! A few years ago I would have loved to hear his thoughts...loved to hear he thought I was doing great. But now, not really...that ship has sailed...he had his chance... I'm 29, I live two days away from him, have three little kids (whom I raise everyday without them), I haven't lived with them for 9 years...I could give a damn what he thinks. Yep, I am doing okay and ain't got NOTHING to do with him!! Or does he think life just hands things to me but fucks up his life...I don't know...I don't have the energy to share the email here now...I don't even want to read it again, maybe another time I will copy it... It isn't so much the words that bother me but what the hell is his motivation...I mean, in 9 years he has never sent me a heart felt email sharing how he feels about me, my children, and my husband...

Oh, my hubby accidentally saw some of my cuts today...damn...what fun...

Counseling and Cutting...

2011-08-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

This week in counseling, we talked mostly about my history of cutting. She expressed she was shocked because she didn't realize it was such a big issue in the past nor that it was still a "current" issue. However, I did share with her on my first visit that I had a history of cutting. I just assumed she would understand that meant I used to cut alot, I try not to cut, I fail, and sometimes I fail for awhile till I can get back on the wagon. She wasn't upset, just expressed she didn't realize the extent of it. I shared the story with her about the cut on my leg...the word rejected...I guess I had never told her.

Her policy in dealing with a cutter is that if the cutter cuts that week then they have to tell her and show her the cut marks...yuck... I don't mind telling (well, I would rather not, but I will)...but showing...that is shameful...

This week has been extremely difficult in regards to cutting. I feel like all throughout the day I am battling the temptation to cut, my mind is filled with images and thoughts of cutting...and I can "feel" the need...it's an addiction...and when you feed it...it becomes difficult to stop again...

So at my counselor's request, I showed her the cuts...she was a little surprised at the number...

But what caught me off-guard more than anything else was the way she touched me. When I showed her my wrist, she took my hand gently, then rubbed her thumb over the cuts, then she rubbered her other hand over them...over my scars... and she did this with the other places I had cut...

I was too shocked to do anything...NO ONE...NO ONE...has ever touched my scars...NO ONE...NO ONE has ever touched my cuts...NO ONE...NO ONE...

I don't want anyone to look at them...to touch them with their eyes...let alone touch them with their hands... Even if someone accidentally gets close to those areas I pull myself away...I don't want anyone to touch my scars or my cuts...they are mine...they are my shame...

But interestingly it was a surprisingly touching touch...I found tears in my eyes all the sudden...She was caring over my cuts, she was hurting over my cuts...It felt like she was touching my heart, my pain...She was sitting in all the pain and shame with me and not judging me... but part of me wanted to yell "what the hell are you doing? It's no big deal...leave them the hell alone."...

But part of me found safety there...part of me found shelter in the touch...part of me found care...kindness...love...I was shocked...

Part of me...my little one...wanted to crawl in her lap...could she love me like that forever...could she take the pain away...could she make it better...would she love me...would she accept me...would she understand me...would she care for me...would she be a like mother to me (I wish)...forever...(its not possible just how my heart felt)

As she was holding them and touching them...she asked me if I ever cared for myself like that...

No...I don't show myself that kind of care...

What would it feel like?

I don't know...

Why don't you?

I don't know...

The feelings were similar to when I showed my new dad...in a weird way it felt comforting to have someone visibly witness the depths of your pain but also the depths of your failing...the tip of the shame in your life...
and not judge you...but accept you, love you, and still want to talk to you...not think you are trash...

Next week she wants to see the scar of "rejected"...why?

Psalm 42:8

2011-08-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

"By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life."

Another version..."By day the LORD commands
his faithful love;
by night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life. (Psalms 42:8 CEB)

I love the word faithful in this one...if there is one thing I have found to be true in the "hell" of sexual abuse, depression, cutting, anxiety, suicidal feelings/thoughts...it is the faithfulness of God...always, unending, undeserved...over and over again, when I reach my end, I am amazed at the ways in which the Lord works to faithfully show his kindness and love even when I have given up hope...

I can't really put it into words but this week this verse really comforted me. It has been a difficult week and I haven't really felt like reading the word, but someone shared with me that I kind of should do it anyway...so okay. And I came across this...

By day the Lord directs his love...my heart has really been struggling with the concept of love...if real love even exists...just a peaceful thought to think that the Lord directs his love...

At night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life...nights are VERY difficult...but his song is with me...my heart does cry out to the God of my life...on nights (or even days) I find extremely difficult I sleep with my old worn out Bible in my arms, close to my chest...maybe this is silly, but I feel strength, a sense of grounding just holding it near me...I have walked good roads and bad roads and always there is comfort in the Word...it is like you can feel the life that it holds...

All I Can Say

2011-08-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

My little girl...

2011-08-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

My little one is hard to figure out..I don't know what to do with her. She just sits in the corner and cries hugging her knees to her chest...the rest of me feels helpless...how do you help her when she needs everything yet wants nothing...she is perplexing...

Another part of me...my more intense side (nazi girl or NG) really feels at a loss with her...NG should probably protect her but usually NG just beats her up. I don't know how to stop...

Another part of me...the mommy part,the nurturing part is also at a loss...she loves to e care, rock, cradle, and hug...but my little one rejects her alot...my little one needs this but doesn't want it...

Another part...my adventure side...she likes to go do new fun exciting things...but it is difficult to get the little one to go..,it would be good for her but...

The spiritual part of my heart to is helpful...I need to stay there more...spend more time with the Lord but I find myself frustrated with the feelings of dryness...she has a great perspective on life and would be great fuel for my heart...

Cries red

2011-08-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

My heart cries red...I wish I could make the pain go away...

I know you hate me because of where Ive been...I hate me too...

I know I'm worthless because of where I've been...nothing can ever change that...

I was someone who should have never been and my heart cries red...

I want to change who I am more than you cause I hate who I am...

My little one has scars all over...and she hates where she's been...

Her pain is hers...and her heart cries red...

Red tears pool...she can't take them away...and her heart cries red...

I want to be better...but I can't because I am not

My heart cries red...my heart cries red...

Physical Abuse...

2011-08-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

In my last session my counselor and I talked about some of the physical abuse that occurred...my bio dad was an extremely angry man...he was unpredictable...everyday when it was time for him to get home, the tension in the house was palpable...everyone waited for him to walk through the door, it determined our lives for the rest of that day...if he was happy, then all was good...if he was pissed, then run and hide...He never sought you out, you just never wanted to piss him off...so if you stayed away, you couldn't...

But anyway, as a little kid, he made a paddle to "discipline" us with...I agree with the concept...However, this paddle was a little over the top...and it would leave bruises...

My parents gave it to me when my first child was about two...I have saved it...carried it with me every move...

and every move I stick it somewhere out of the way...I don't know quite what to do with...

So I was telling her about it yesterday...she offered to keep it for me...to get it out of my house...if I ever wanted it back, I could have it but she could store it for me...

It was an intriguing thought...

I think I am going to give it to her...It will feel very symbolic to me...

And when it comes time for us to move...I don't know if I will get it back from her...I feel torn on that decision...

But for now, I think next week, I will walk into her office and hand her another memory from the pass...a tangible one...and a painful one...

Counselor

2011-08-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

As I have had a little over 24 hours to sit and think about yesterday's session, my heart feels even more at peace with my counselor...

She gained more of my trust yesterday...she is intriguing to me...

She was sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by her father...and yet, she had amazing strength...she has walked that road...she has overcome (although I am sure no one ever completely overcomes) but she has incredible amounts of strength...

And she is one who has chosen to continue to have her father in her life...she has chosen to accept the good with the bad...

I read an article someone else posted on a blog about the survivor wanting to keep a relationship with the abuser...it was very insightful...it summed up alot of what I feel...

And like my counselor, I don't ever think my course of action will be to alienate my bio dad from my life...I will have intense boundaries with him...but I will never "cut off" that relationship...

My counselor confronted her dad about the abuse and he didn't deny it...and she still chooses to accept the good with the bad...

Amazing to me...but she seems very at peace with it and very strong...She knows who she is and what she believes...

I want to be where she is...I want to walk the road of healing like she has...Someday, I want to stand where she is standing...

I like people of strength...I like people who don't always play by the rules...I like that...I like people who are willing to get "dirty"...

It's funny to me...cause when I first met her outwardly she appears to be very eccentric...so not my style, I like to blend in...immediately I think I held up defenses because I didn't know how to take her...but now...

but after yesterday...I really like her...I think I can really trust her...I carry this extremely heavy burden in me that someone will look at my life, my struggles, the memories, any of that...and tell me I was weak...I feared that from her...

But I told her my memories, I shared my shame, I showed her my cuts...and she just believed in me...and validated me...and thought I was strong to survive...

She didn't think I was weak...I never want to be seen as weak...

I never want to be seen as weak...call me anything...but don't ever tell me I wasn't strong enough...or I didn't try hard enough...

And she didn't...in fact, she said the opposite...

Anyway, I really like her, even though she is a little eccentric :)

Bio Dad...

2011-08-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

It's my bio dad's birthday next week...I find days like that very troubling...father's day, birthdays...I don't even want to celebrate...

Merely because I have to pick out a stupid card...and make the "good daughter" phone call...

I don't know which is worse...

The card is painful...All the cards rave about how great the dad was/is, thanks for being my hero, I'm glad to be your princess, thanks for being wise, supportive, comforting, loving...I have to read through every damn card to find a generic one that works...I don't want to say something with a card I don't feel...

I could through up in the card isle...it really makes me sick...

And my heart is heavy and hurts when I leave the store...

I like to write how I feel to people...I love to write personal messages in a card...just me...I find I express myself best with paper and a pen...but I have resorted to merely signing my name and my family's name...that is all...and that too is painful...

Holding the little girl...

2011-08-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have really struggled this week...it has been a difficult week...

I met with my counselor again today and shared with her about the alcohol and cutting this week...she wanted to know what triggered it all and I just shared with her the intensity of emotions...after we met last week, I felt huge amounts of anger, self-hate, anxiety, and frustration...not a good mix for me...

I think all the shame I feel, I channel into anger and self-hate...I hadn't felt that level of hate or contempt of myself in along time...I felt worthless...and I was losing balance quickly...

The little girl inside also felt alone, scared, abandoned, and confused...as we were talking it finally made sense what I was looking for...I didn't realize it until it happened...I knew that it was what I wanted...but I didn't realize how it would make me feel...

One of the things that irritates me with counselors is they will never give you a straight answer on some things..."Well, what do you feel" "What's important is that it was hurtful to you" "It only matters what you feel happened" BULLSHIT!!! There are things in life that are for certain. She told me about overt and covert sexual abuse...She kept telling me that it didn't matter what the label was because this wasn't a court room. That was really pissing me off. It does matter to me the label that is attached to what happened! I needed to know. My adult self could put a label on it but my little one couldn't...and she couldn't hear my adult self. Finally, I told the counselor, I never said I knew it was sexual abuse...all I said was I know these things happened...and I want to know what the verdict would be if we were in a court room. She got a little forceful with her answer, almost as if she was exasperated with me that I was making her spell it out...but I NEEDED her to spell it out...somebody please spell it out for me!!! I have "dug in the dirt" and found all this shit and my little one is asking "What the hell is it?" please just tell me...someone...take my hand and tell me...

She said "YES" a person who takes a little girl in the bathroom gets naked with them, touches them self in front of her, and possibly touches her..."YES!"...and he did this over years..."YES!!" he would be in prison for sexual abuse...

When I heard those statements the tears just poured out of my eyes...it felt like for the first time someone with authority (not biased by their love for me) came along, took my little hand, and validated all the things that for years and years no one validated...all through my childhood NO ONE came along and validated anything...in their silence they invalidated the little girl. She felt crazy and alone...Now at 29 years old it was next to impossible for my little girl to believe that was sexual abuse because all her life everyone around her acted if there was nothing wrong with her life...all the symptoms I displayed were never listened too...nothing I said with my mouth or in actions...nothing was heard...so the little girl, my little girl...didn't believe herself any more.

But when she said that I felt safe...my little one was standing next to her holding her hand...looking at the wreckage...and she told my little one it really was a bad wreck...and my little one felt like she was holding me in her arms...

My little one is little and wants help...she wants a compass point for her life...she wants definite and truth and honesty...and especially honesty with emotion...

When she said that, I know she believed that with everything with in her...

I asked my other counselor over and over about this and would never get a solid answer...but a solid answer is what I wanted...it is what my heart NEEDED!!

She asked me what I was feeling when I was crying...just alot of sadness and hurt...why did he pick me? Why just me and not my sister? What was so wrong with me? I don't understand why...

And we talked about shame...

How long have I carried it with me? Was I ever not carrying it with me...

My shame for most of my life has been bigger than me...my shame grew into intense hate for the person I am...and I felt the power of that again this week...

and we talked about how the verbal and emotional abuse played into all the feelings of shame and helplessness...

I left feeling lighter...not because anything had really been solved but because I felt like I had something solid to stand on. "He would be in prison...for sexually abusing you for many years" It just keep reverberating around my heart. The little girl doesn't feel as crazy anymore...she doesn't feel as lost...

I'm not crazy or weak to have so much pain inside...

And after we were done (well, even before we started)...all I wanted to do was talk to my "new dad"...he's like a harbor of safety, love, and comfort...and she was like an old, wisened seaman who validated the destruction of the storm on my boat...and the unconditional love I have found with my new dad is healing ointment for my tattered soul...a place to rest...just like with my heavenly Father...

Sleeping

2011-08-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

When I first started on this journey, I had alot of difficulty sleeping. But it gradually got better...I assumed that was over. Evidentally not, I just cannot sleep...and when I do I wake up with heart racing. I don't even want to go to sleep. The nights are extremely lonely...tonight/this morning I read some in Provebs...and it was comforting...I think sometimes our hearts yearn for a safe haven. I'm a wife, a mother, an adult and still my heart longs for a safe harbor...I'm glad I can provide that to my children (or at least try...I want to give them so much more than what I had)...but amazing how the older I get, most "harbors" don't look safe anymore. Most of life teaches you to be your own harbor...and it's ok, but it is a solitary place...a lonely place...

The Afters - Lift Me Up - Official Video

2011-08-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh...

2011-08-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Haven't had a day like today in awhile...

I feel lost...

I feel pissed...

I feel alone...

I need an escape...

I want out...

My mind is over ran by thoughts of crimson cuts...

I want to yell, scream, hit...

I hate alot of things...

I need a drink...or a pill...

I need an escape...

There are three things keeping me here right now...just three precious little things...

Bit I'm okay...and everything is fine...and tomorrow is a new day...

Done

2011-08-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just feel done in life?

Just completely done...

Like you could walk away from life and not miss it...

Just done...

I feel like that today...I don't have all the answers...I can't fix everything...

I dont know the truth...

I just want out...

I'm just done...

Part of you would want to go to sleep and never wake up...

I'm just done...

I feel alot of anger today...

I would like to make it stop...

NO big deal...

2011-08-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

Read tonight that an father/daughter incestuous relationship is most likely to occur between a father and the oldest daughter...interesting...fits my memories of childhood and my sisters...goes along with her memories and mine of the game we used to play with my dad...she didn't like it because he would "play" more with me...

So, a few months back I wrote in my private journal, some things I remember about the bathroom...the paper felt like fire in my hands...the words burned through my heart...I wrote down every vivid, excruciating detail I could remember...

Just looking at the words made my heart race, my chest feel heavy, my hands start to sweat, and everything with in me want to panic and run...but they are just words...and it was just paper...and no one would ever see it...and I never had to read it again...

Really it needed to be burned...destroyed...With each pen stroke it becomes more real. With each period more final. With each sentence panic sets into my heart. Each detail...another rip in my carefully constructed fabric of my life...until it was and is a tattered mess...

But for some reason the memories haunt me...they won't go away...my heart is stuck on them...it constantly runs through them looking for more...and at the same time I am constantly trying to destroy them...

They are shameful...

But here is the gist of some parts...no big deal...no feelings...no thoughts...no nothing...just facts...

So it shouldn't be a big deal to say...

I stood and watched my dad get naked...I watched, sometimes with my own clothes on...sometimes not...no big deal...

I leaned on the edge of the bathtub while my dad touched himself...I watched, I chatted...no big deal...

I took a bath with my dad over and over again...we would lay next to each other naked...no big deal...

Sure there are more pieces but mainly just "fluff"...all this happened from before I can really remember till I was at least 8 or 9...many times...no big deal...no big deal...

I should just forget it and walk on with life like it never happened...so much worse could have happened in there and it didn't...really that was nothing at all...

So I've wrote it and now my heart should move on...no feelings just memories...and now my heart can move on...

I have no real emotions or anything to go with these memories...only shame or embarrassment...that is all...

No big deal...

And maybe you shouldn't even call it abuse...

FINE

2011-08-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

Fine...I love that word...maybe even one of the best words in the dictionary...

Everyone asks upon greeting " How are you?"...they don't really want to know but they ask to be polite...so I tell them fine...it says nothing and yet everything...

Saw this today and thought it was perfect...

F - Falling apart
I - Insecure
N - Needing help
E - Everything is wrong

So I guess when I say fine it is usually true...

EMDR explanation...

2011-08-12T14:01:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about doing this for awhile but decided finally to sit down and do it. When I was first confronted with the idea of EMDR, I had no idea what it was. I looked on the internet for an explanation and even personal experience of what it was. But could never find what I was looking for.

I do not like surprises and I do not like new things especially if I don't know what is involved. I like to have an idea of what is going to occur and then go from there...I don't like blank slate experiences...very unsettling to me. So, in case there are others out there I thought I would share what a typical EMDR session looks like, at least for me...

To begin the whole process my counselor and I made a list of all the emotionally "traumatizing" memories. Then she had me organize them according to age, youngest to oldest. Then I gave them each a score how disturbing on a scale of 1 to 10. Usually, she will then begin with the earliest memory that has the least amount of emotional charge. The session before the actually EMDR, we discuss which memory we will be working on next time.

The day of the EMDR, we sit down...talk about the week and update her on anything relevant. When all that is done, she gets out her set of 7 questions. She asks the questions and writes down my response.

(I think this might be all 7 but I am not for sure...I will pay better attention and update them later if I need to :))

1. In your own words what memory are we working on today?

2. What is the picture that best represents this memory?

3. How disturbing is the memory right now?

4. What lies has this memory caused you to believe? (she has a paper you can pick from - example I am to blame, I am shameful, I am unlovable, the list is two columns on a page)

5. What would you like to believe about yourself? (she has another set of responses you can pick from or make up your own - example I am lovable, I am okay just as I am, again two columns of responses on a page)

6. What emotions are you feeling?

7. Where do you feel the memory/feelings in your body?

That is all...no more, no less...

Then she has a little lap blanket she puts over my legs...scoots her chair directly in front of mine. I close my eyes and she tells me to think about the picture I told her, think about the feelings, and just pay attention to where it all goes...and then she alternates tapping my left and right leg for about 3 minutes or so...

Then the set is done...and she asks what I noticed...and I tell her...she takes notes on a paper...and then we repeat it...that is all...

Instead of tapping she also uses headphones that alternate a tone in your left and right ear and paddles that alternate vibrating in your left and right hand. The whole point of the process is to stimulate both your right and left brain while you are thinking about the traumatic event...that way the more "feeling" portion of the brain and the more "thinking" portion of the brain are both stimulated and both can be involved in working through the memory...also different portions of memories are stored in each side...this helps them "communicate" with each other...

For my logical part of my brain, I can understand how this could work. However, there is apart of me that very much want to understand and be "in control" of the process...to some extent this process bypasses all that and I don't completely understand how. It has shocked me how much and how quickly feelings and pictures come to the surface during a set.

During a counseling session you can do as many sets as you can fit in the hour. The hope is that through each set you "move" through the memory. The pictures and feelings move and their is some sense of balance or change that occurs. Some people will experience more pictures, others an array of feelings, and who knows what else. When it is time to tell her what you experienced you can tell her as little or as much as you want. If you don't want to do any more sets...then she stops. It really is a low key experience for the most part...not much to it and merely based on the idea that if you stimulate both hemispheres of the brain it increases a persons ability to deal with the emotional trauma.

Feelings

2011-08-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need an oasis...a cool, calm comforting place...where the feelings just stop...I guess feelings are normal for most people and most people enjoy them...me? not so much...I lived most of my life without feeling too much and when the feelings would become to much...I would just cut my arms, legs, and stomach and watch the blood flow...watch the pain leave...I could feel my heart begin to slow...I could feel the heaviness leave...and the feelings would go away...and I would literally feel nothing. It really was an amazing thing...For some people I guess feelings make them feel alive...the bad ones remind me I am alive...like a nightmare you can't escape...

I can't escape the memories...they are mine to hold for forever...I just hope someday...someday soon...I can toss them aside, proud of who they made me but confident that they don't define who I am today...

Didn't he know?

2011-08-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

The remembering is painful...not so much the pictures...which make you sweat and shiver all at the same time...but the feelings...the feelings alone, unspoken whispers throughout your body, shouts reverberating through your heart...make you wish you could melt into the floor...make it go away...the shame...

The remembering is painful...it becomes suffocating...it becomes overwhelming...

The pictures are horrible and the implications even worse...

What kind of father brings a child into the world, only to put it through years of torment...I didn't think at the time it was that bad...but now that I look back...I would never put my children in that situation (hence they are NEVER alone with my parents)...but didn't he know how it would shape me...didn't he see my eyes back then...didn't they hear the silent cries?

Didn't he know that years from then I would still be trying to put my life back together?

Picking up the pieces of a shattered heart? Desperately trying to gain balance so the scars don't dictate my future...

Didn't he know he was stealing my ability to be loved and to trust?

That I would live my life in a perpetual crouch expecting pain?

Didn't he know?...

But the answer is I don't think he did and I think he still doesn't know...someone who can do that stuff is to selfish to even consider the wounds and scars they are inflicting upon the hearts, minds, and lives of those around them...

Reflections on EMDR...

2011-08-12T05:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't think EMDR would cause this much "trouble"...my expectation was that I would go, the session would be intense, but then all would be great and I would feel better...and maybe that is supposed to be how it goes if you "stick with it" in the session and don't chicken out early...but I didn't...

And as I reflect on things my counselor has said, I am beginning to think it might not be that experience anyway...She wanted to make sure I had a plan if things got overwhelming (sure, journal and hope that works), she wanted to know I had some ways to "take care" of myself (um...I have three young children...need I say more), she reiterated several times, anything that comes up just put it in the "safe box" (nice thought but difficult to do, especially when they pop out at night when I am sleeping!)...So looking back at her suggestions and concerns, I see them in a little different light now...I think it might be a difficult journey through it but supposedly healing...

But to some extent I feel like I am back where was 2 or 3 years ago...Any waking moment I can slip away from the kids...I find my bed, surround myself in my blanket, and lay there...thinking of as little as possible...if I could take my blanket everywhere, I feel like I would be shielded from some of the harshness of this...actually, if I could stay in bed all day, that would be nice...I can't sleep...I'm exhausted and can't sleep...one disturbing dream after another...I wake up and need a light on...I reach for my blanket again...some sort of comfort to shield away the pain of a broken child...the barrage of images of crimson cuts all the way down my arms...my mind goes through it, and sometimes I just let it...hoping it will take what it needs from visualizing it and I won't have to do it in real life...

And the panic or moments of acute pain...I didn't miss those times at all...

But I am determined to walk with path...I am determined to walk the memories through EMDR...hoping that through that, I can leave all that behind me and let it fade to a distant memory...hoping that the brokenness of a child's heart that seems impossible to mend, can be soothed by even just whispers of the truth...

Amazing our perceptions of life and those around us...

It is so difficult in the moment to see how things like this can bring purpose, strength, or anything else good...

There are never more acute feelings of being alone as when your mind remembers what it was like to be alone as a little one...those moments are more profound than any I have had as an adult...and remembering them as an adult is just as painful and maybe more so because I know better now...

So long...

2011-08-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I went to get my "good" meds refilled...and come to find out my prescription had expired...WHAT?! I still had two refills left...but it expired...

Part of me feels incredibly bummed and apprehensive...the other part is thankful, because no way am I going back in to face the Dr. to ask for another prescription...

So, I will guard my remaining 10 pills and hope I don't need them...but some days I wish I had an unlimited supply...

The Days...

2011-08-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was a difficult day...I didn't do so well on staying away from not so helpful things...but I needed a release, an escape...I needed to break some of the heaviness...I hate myself when I fail...The rest of the week has been difficult to maintain balance. I feel overwhelmed emotionally, the work with my counselor, other feelings, my husband is working long hours, and the kids are intense...I don't get it...it is like they know when I feel saturated and they act out...it only compounds my feelings and need for escape...

Tonight my heart is heavy...I should read the Word, but I feel like I don't get anything...I know that doesn't matter...

I feel dry...I feel spent...I feel tired...I feel depressed...I feel lonely...

School starts in a few weeks...so hopefully that will keep my heart occuppied...I dread the stress of balancing everything, but hopefully it will keep me busy...

And my two oldest start school in two weeks...hopefully that will relieve some of the stress from the day...they are so busy and demand so much...I love them, and I love being around them...but mediating the fighting is exhausting...

Alone...

2011-08-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

I feel alone...I feel lost...I feel like I am alone in a dark alley...it is wet, rainy, and cold...tall buildings surround on every side...there is only one light...and it is dull and high up...Im sitting on an old cement car stop hugging my knees wishing I could find a way home...but I'm lost...

A person comes by and tells me they can help...I don't believe them...

How do I know they really wants to help...how can I trust when others have let me down...

No thanks...I will sit here and hope/wish someone will help me...

Tears began to run down my cheeks mixing with the rain...I wish for safety and warmth...but I don't feel any...

Others pass by but how do I know they would really help me...how do I know they really know where they are going...

My mind finds consolation in imagining what it would feel like to be home again...what it would feel like to feel a warm embrace and to enjoy it...what it would feel like to love and be loved...to feel safe...to feel at home...to feel alive...it imagines....it wishes...but believes it will never be true...

A man comes along...He says he knows where I can find safety and warmth if I follow him...

But I would have to trust him...I would have to believe what he says is true...

I think about it...

It would feel so good to feel safe, it would feel so good to feel love...it would feel so good to feel safe in love...it would feel so good to feel warmth...

it would feel refreshing...

it would feel healing...

it would feel cleansing...

but my heart...

EMDR and memories

2011-08-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

I did my second EMDR today...and per my request we worked on "the bathroom memories"...maybe a mistake on my part...my stress level today hasn't been this high in a long while (off the charts)...and my ability to engage hasn't been this low in a long time...and I had an extremely anxious dream when I took a nap today...

Going into our first "set" I felt okay and even ready to take this on...but wow, I was unprepared for the level of intensity...I was shocked that something so silly could cause things to come back and be pieced together so much...as I sat there the memories became more vivid with more unimportant details being filled in...it was like I was back there in the bathroom...I could almost hear the water running...I could see the carpet again, dark blue carpet...I could see me standing there...and I feel some of my feelings...the sink was to my right and a little behind me...I was standing almost by the corner...the tub, was to my left and a little in front of me...the toilet was directly in front of me but several feet away...and right in front of that...stood my dad...the water in the tub was running...the lights were on above the sink...the doors were shut...and...locked...one of the doors had a mirror covering the whole back of the door...and my dad he was...well...

And so was the scene everytime we went in the bathroom...

And the little girl felt trapped...for the first time through this whole experience I felt like the little girl didn't actually want to be in there...I kept experiencing this feeling of panic, like she wanted to escape...and the words...I don't want to be here...I want away...just kept going through my heart and mind...but I was stuck just like the little girl...

I began to feel like I had a brick or stone sitting on my chest...I couldn't swallow and it felt like I couldn't breath...I felt like I needed to run...and I felt scared...so scared...alone...trapped...tears were beginning to form in my eyes...why would my dad do that...why...

The other few sets that we did, I couldn't do much...my heart/mind wouldn't go any further...that felt like enough...I would visualize the picture and my heart wouldn't take me beyone the scene of him and me standing there...I know some of the other things that happened but for today...this was all my heart could journey too...the level of emotions, the array of emotions, and the intensity of the emotions was a bit shocking to me...I usually try to stay in control of those and manage them a little better...

But they became overwhelming fast and it felt scary...I felt like I could get lost in them...I would begin to feel and I would melt along with my tears into a puddle...

I needed space...I needed out of there...I needed to gain command of my heart again...

And it seems so silly...much worse things have happened to others...and I can't even stay in the moment for 30 minutes...stupid...

I wonder...

2011-08-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Why does a heart want to know love?

Why does a heart want to feel valued?

Why does a heart want to feel safe?

Why does a heart want to feel like it has a place, like it belongs?

Why does a heart care if it is important to those it loves?

Why does a heart need to feel?

Why can't it just be content with knowing how much it loves and values those around it...content in itself?

Uggggg...

2011-08-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the most brutal few days in a long time. I can feel the "monsters" breathing down my neck again...I feel moments away from a slip...but I made it today...and hopefully tomorrow will be better...

Do you ever feel like feelings are just eating away at you inside?

I do.

I just can't escape them...I want so bad for them to go away...they hurt...I don't know how I can feel so much hurt and anger all at the same time...

But oh well, none of it matters anyway...

I was told today I'm my fathers daughter...am I? I don't think I want to be...and I listed all the ways in which I am NOT like him...it is painful to have to hate someone you should love...it is painful to aspire to be the exact opposite of someone who should be your hero...

It is scary to believe in love...when your father can't even really love you...why would any other dad love me, when my own can't...

I don't know how to feel confident in love...in some ways I feel more scared in love today than I did a few months ago...I don't know why really...

But the good news is I am fine...and life goes on...no matter what...whether I am here or not...our feelings really make no difference...

Somedays...

2011-08-06T11:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could cut my heart out and throw it away...

Today is one of those days...

This week one of those weeks...

I don't belong in life...

I hate when my heart shares visions of red...

When my chest feels like it is going to burst with rage...and pain...

I wish there was a safe place in life...

...and that love was for real...

Remind Me Who I Am - "Official Music Video"

2011-08-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Counseling

2011-08-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my counselor today. Last time we did EMDR and it was good. It wasn't crazy and scary like I anticipated. However, we started with a less traumatic memory. This time I shared with her that I think I would like to start with my earliest and most traumatic memory. That memory feels the most solid to me and I feel more firm in my belief about what happened. It also feels like if I can sort out that memory the rest will be incredibly easier to accept and let go of. I shared alot with her today...my eyes even started to water...I miss my dream of a dad...my heart hurts so much in that area it is indescribable. Sometimes it feels like it can never be fixed or made whole...for so many reasons that I am probably wrong for feeling them.

It was really difficult to share with my counselor what I wanted but I did it. I was afraid she wouldn't like what I thought or wouldn't agree with it...but she was okay with it...

So next time, even though, it is some scary shit...I will talk with her about some of the real full boxes...

Not good...

2011-08-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that I am not good at...many things...but especially goodbyes and feelings...

I hate them...

So much to say, but no real words to make sense...

Other than my heart hurts...hurts alot...

and I hate that I push others away when I am hurting the most...when I should just sit down and talk to them...I run instead...because I hate to look vulnerable or feel vulnereable...and I hate to imagine that my feelings are just mine and not shared by those around me...

Sometimes...

2011-07-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I read my old posts and couldn't agree with them more...I have nothing great to say but I sure agree with some of the old ones...couldn't have said them better if I tried...

Sometimes words just don't flow easy...actually alot of times lately...I don't really feel like blogging anymore...maybe I will try returning to a good ol' piece of paper and pen a little more often...maybe there is more inspiration there...maybe...

But I don't know for sure...I don't know alot of things...

July 31, 2011

2011-07-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like life is a fight up hill? Against the current? And you are the current...you are the hill? I feel like I weigh myself down...I feel like I could implode inwardly...

I can't love...I can't be loved...and it never will be...

I HATE...lots of things...but a few things I hate more passionately...I hate love...Love and I have a love/hate relationship...how ironic...

My heart hurts...but it never shares anymore...it is scared...scared that I never FUCKING measure up...scared that love isn't enough...scared about alot of things...

So my heart craddles its pain and consoles itself...alone...as it should be...

Alone we came into the world and alone we leave it...just ourselves...

Irritated

2011-07-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel so frustrated you feel like you could explode? And there is nothing you can do about it? It isn't your right...it isn't your place... I hate feeling like that...it brings up things I hate being tempted by... Why do I let things bother me? Why do I care? Why doesn't my heart just forget about some things? Do you ever wonder if your perception of relationships is wrong? That whatever I perceive is
going on, is completely opposite than what you feel? I hate that!! why does the heart feel entitled to something that it has no right to feel entitled too? I could just scream! Eff the whole damn world!!

A desert...

2011-07-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

My parents are visiting my family for the week...they just got in tonight...

I think it might be a long week...it is times like this when I wish I never would have said anything...just kept all my info to myself...then I wouldn't have to deal with the pain...the pain of others around me knowing...

I have no connection with them...they don't know me at all, nor I really them...but I think they know me less...I don't even know what to talk with them about...we sat downstairs for an hour and talked but it was not comfortable....everyone searching for something to say...

I am a little pissed at my husband...he went to bed so he didn't have to deal with them...I get he doesn't want to be around them but thanks for the support...but doesn't really matter...guess it is my road to walk, by myself...as it should be...

If my heart feels dry before I am reminded of how far apart our hearts are, then now it feels like it is extremely, parched, dry, cracked, desolate...

I mean parts of my heart always feel somewhat dry but I usually just ignore it...it is painful to become aware of it again...lately it feels very dry...it feels extremely discouraged...but for the most part I just keep busy, put on a smile, change the tone of my voice and nobody knows the difference....I'm great at that game...

Sometimes...I wish I could just sit and cry...and not stop...

Cry because it isn't fair...cry because why me...cry because I don't understand...cry because I feel like a confused, scared little girl...but that would be selfish...and life isn't fair...

I need to be strong...I need to embrace the present, let go of the past...

I feel like a failure...I feel like a disappointment...

Mirror

2011-07-14T09:35:00.001-07:00

The other day I came across this poem I wrote about 12 years ago...

I look in the morror and what do I see?

A little girl who looking and longing to be free

Laughter and sunshine are there no more

Innocence has escaped right out the door

Walls seem to surround on every side

Because people I trusted; I leaned they lied

I worked and worked to make the bricks fall

But then in an instant there stood the wall

The lonliness and confusion it all makes me sick

The seclusion and hurt; my hearts turned to brick

Maybe this wall is meant to be

Where it is impossible for others my eyes to see

A fool I was to wish for more

So now I hurt and have locked the door

Changes...

2011-07-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

During this weeks visit to my counselor, we discussed my parents upcoming visit. My heart is stressed about that. I do fine if I don't think about it but I feel the panic bubbling up when I do. It was a good discussion and perhaps one of the most challenging we have had. She made one statement to me that really stuck out to me. She said that people can sense when someone is grounded in the truth...they can sense the strength that brings. I guess I have kind of known this but it just stuck out to me this time. Even though there are times I still feel weak, I can tell I am changing. I can tell the more I grow in believing the truth of who I am, the less I am affected by the opinions, thoughts, words, beliefs, and actions of those around me. It is easier to enjoy life because I don't feel like I pick up so many burdens because of the people around me. I get to be me...they get to be who they are...and I don't have to be who I perceive they want me to be...

I guess I have kind of known this but just experiencing it in a different way...

The Coming Days...

2011-06-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

I feel lonely and lost. I feel trapped and overwhelmed. Mostly I feel lonely...very lonely. Talked with my mom today. Her and my bio dad are coming in about 18 days. I haven't told my husband yet...to much anxiety....I just want him to get along and not say anything about anything to anyone. And I hope my bio dad sleeps most the time. My heart does so much better without him on the landscape. I want to run for shelter, safety, protection and I feel like there is no where to go. This is my path to walk. But dammit it isn't fun...not at all. I feel alone, very alone. I can't wait until these next few weeks are over...then my heart can process it all, relax and not have to worry about seeing my bio dad anytime soon. It just really hurts alot when I am around him...I miss lots of things....

Matters of the Heart

2011-06-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

Email from J&M,
What a precious email and what a precious heart you have.......have no fears or anxiousness or worry over anything you said or felt because we feel as you do and our tears as we read your email were speaking of our love for you in exactly the same way as you shared......thank you for sharing it and for being courageous enough to share it.......I consider your email and my response as our formal 'adoption' paperwork and just as Jesus gave His Mom another son (named John) at the cross while He was dying, so also He has given this J, a wonderful daughter named Jora whom I consider to be a precious treasure, a gifted woman, a blessed woman in body, gifted mind, tender heart, and powerful spirit. As I am somewhat gifted in expression, so I see this in my expressive daughter -- as I am somewhat intense at times, so I see this in my wonderful daughter -- as I am a bit emotional at times (which is tough to manage at times) so it is with my tender hearted daughter - as I have a never say die (stubborn/persevering) attitude to any battle I face, so it is with my very determined daughter -- as I love her -- I love those who came from her womb -- as I love he who walks with you (and I walk with him in such a way that might richly bless the daughter I love.....) - this is a bit emotional for dear ole dad......so hang with me here -- frankly, as I see you, listen to you share, hear your heart, see continual evidence of your faithful and extremely giving heart (similar to someone....), and hear your heart laugh and your eyes light up with great joy (I saw your eyes light up many times last night), I guess what I thought about you was..........it would be asking too much, you are too wonderful, and too gifted and too precious to be my daughter!! Yet I see so many heart similarities and so many wonderful and beautiful and so many areas of tremendous giftedness that (for now) it is difficult for you to see, that I thought in my inner heart, although I would be so proud to call you my daughter, so pleased to consider you and walk with you as a daughter, but I consider that in every area (and you can take this to the bank) that when you reach my age, and most likely many years before that season, you will surpass every area of giftedness that I have been given and will bless many many lives through the grace of the Lord...... I consider it such an honor to consider, acknowledge, and accept the privilege of being your dad. This relationship will not end while either one of us remains here on earth and I look forward to the years of sharing, the emails, the pictures, the talking, and the visiting we will do which will simply make these strong connections even stronger......

When we visit with you or hear your voice or hear your laugh or even see things on the blog or hear or see you cry, it moves us deeply in heart......it is probably hard for you to realize the joy you bring us -- I actually have thought it would have been wonderful for the Lord to have allowed me to take you as my daughter after you were born because not only would you have started playing rocketball earlier, but your heart and spirit would have been tended much differently and you would know and feel the honor, respect, and love that I feel for you - how proud I am even now of the things you have accomplished - you are gifted in academics and are very intelligent - you are gifted athletically which I also share to some degree and I admire (so we still need some type of racquetball game to sharpen our skills :) ) and of course we see similarly spiritually in many ways and your depth of heart and spirit, the pain you felt growing up all echo with my heart of the things I have felt......so I think it is wonderful to be in the chair of your dad and I will walk carefully in thought, feeling, word, and deed to be able to bless you, encourage you, cheer you on, admire you, and walk with you in any way I can to help you through any season, through any battle, through any storm inside or outside of your heart because you are so very precious to me.........I always want you to share your heart as you feel comfortable and like always, a good dad welcomes the sharing no matter what direction, what level of intensity or feeling, no matter what time of day or night (we can hang pretty good to the wee hours of the morning :) ) and we absolutely LOVE to hear from you - let me say that again - we LOVE to hear your words, your heart, your feelings, your thoughts and we consider them precious.......extremely valuable...... and I am so proud of you.......

But know that as the Lord brings what He will bring to us (and I heard your teasing us about 6 :) -- you do love to tease :) and I actually LOVE that when you do :) ) then these children are already related to you in whatever role (little sister or neice) whichever works for your heart but your place and role in my heart and M's will not change.....as far as the way I look at it, you are my daughter and you share many of my tendencies and giftedness from the Lord which is one of the reasons that I see you so clearly and many times the Lord allows me to speak for your heart......a good father knows and loves the precious heart of his daughter.......we love your sense of humor, your heart, your gifted mind and spirit, and even your teasing ways :) which are also great fun - seeing your playful side come out more is wonderful - your little one is so very precious to us - I imagine picking you up as a little one and curling you up on my lap and just holding you, speaking words of kindness and love to your heart which would cause your internal well to bubble over with Living Water from which you would be able to give to others (who are also thirsty)......

You shared a wonderful email, powerful metaphors, and priceless treasures of thought and feelings with us, with me, and we simply say, you also are in deeply in our hearts as sister and daughter - yes you made us cry.......and we never ever want you to leave because of how precious you are to us........

Thanks for sharing so openly and completely with us Jora and we always always welcome it and we welcome you even more into our hearts.......love always to your wonderful heart that we see, understand, appreciate and honor.......

Whenever you re-read this, as you and I tend to do at different times, during different storms, know that my love for you, for your family, and for your life will never leave, you are always welcome here -- ALWAYS - and we treasure and value the time that we have with you and look forward to when we might visit again.......others may not like to visit with me or others may not want to visit with you but too bad for them!! I love you and I love your company -- we both love you deeply and treasure who you are in heart.....and all you EVER have to be......is what our Lord made you to be - and He made you REAL REAL good..... I am so PROUD to have you as my daughter and I WANT you as my daughter......always!

Expectations...

2011-06-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to keep a positive outlook when life doesn't live up to the expectations that you had..

sex...

2011-06-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

sex is appallingly disgusting...but it is every man's dream...no meaning just satisfaction...and as long as he enjoy is it good...

He will take it at all costs...not to him but anyone involved...it is disgusting...

I hate it...there is no feeling in it...there is no freedom in it...

Love doesn't even belong there...only lust...that is all there is...lust...because I have woman parts and he man...that is all that matters...I can work it on him and all is good in his world...and it ill feel like a tornado has riped through my heart...but doesn't matter because I am all the problems anyway...

Sex in a a man's world is the greatest thing ever invented....

but at least at finally 29 I have figured this out...I know what a man wants...and he doesn't care if he sells his heart, his marriage, his kids, his future,...really anything for it...just maybe 5 seconds...and he will sell you anything he has...a pathetic excuse for a human being...

In a woman's world...the most destroying thing ever invented...

...a cruel joke of someone...maybe the ceator?

And I am a cruel joke...the mistake of all time...given to a father to who knows what for and to do who knows what with...and then to be a grown woman...ya, the jokes on me no matter what happens...

FUCK the whole DAMN life....Fuck it!!!

And anyone who reads this is more than welcome to hate me and N\EVER speak to me again...great...add fuel to my fire...cause no one ever truly loves me...I never truly touch any ones heart....it is just a DAMN game....all of life is a DAMN game...

And I just need to learn how to fucking play it again with my heart disengaged...and really...my children will be better off when their bubble of naivete is destroyed...

Welcome to the real world kids...welcome...

I used to believe I could save them...but those were naive thoughts too...

bio dad...

2011-06-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

If I could say anything to my bio dad it woudl be this... "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20.

but is is so difficult to walk in this sometimes...and he wouldn't get it anyways...a waste of breath...

And love...

2011-06-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

and Love don't really matter...as long as you prostitute your desires to those who are in your life...love means shit...love doesn't matter...all that matters is if you are sexually available...if you are sexually desirable....if you are sexually alluring...love means shit...you just have to play the sexual game...and everything else is shit...a damn piece of shit...

Love has nothing to do with life...in fact love is an illusion...it doesn't really exist...

Connecting...

2011-06-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

I fucking suck at connecting!! I am an idiot at connecting with people!! Now alcohol...pills...that I can connect with...people, nope!!!!! I feel connected with people and I piss them off...because I feel too close with them...but then I hate feeling like they are pissed off at me. It is a stupid, idiotic mess that I CONSTANTLY find my idiotic self in. I am a moron. I wish sometimes that I just didn't exsist...people would just launch me out of their life. Mine would make more sense then. I feel like alot of times people mean more to me than I ever mean to them. No one could ever really love me...just not real possible! My husband...I feel sorry for him...he is nice to me, I feel trapped and so I lash out...and he runs away. It is a fun game we play!!! I HATE it!! and I HATE myself more! I wish I didn't do that...but I don't know how to stop it...I start feeling trapped or smoothered and I just can't function...I literally need away...I can't explain it, I can't reason it away, I can't talk myself into feeling something different...nothing...I just have to piss the other person off and then I will feel better...

Alcohol is a nice thing...it is so numbing...I have felt it calling for days...I hate that I feel like I need it but I just come to this place and I can't get out of it. I knew on Friday I was heading here...I knew it wasn't going to be a good weekend...I knew...I can't escape myself...

I feel like cutting tonight...it would feel so good to cut into the scars on my wrists...those are the best places to cut. Over and OVER and over again...relief...it washes over...I can see the red running down my arms...falling onto the white sink...so cleansing...so refreshing...so healing...and yet, so painful...

I wish I believed in love...but no one really loves me....

I am a nobody...and I fucking HATE myself if I ever think differently! I wish no one loved me...just would let me disappear...I am good for nothing...

As someone recently called me...I am just a bitch...that's right...a bitch...that would be me...

I can't help it...it is just who I am...I am the daughter of my biological dad...as much as I fucking hate it, and wish it were different...that is who I am...a fucking daughter of a son of a bitch...

A big fucking family of nobodys!!!

2011-06-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

The process of letting go of the old and embracing the new is painful...it's good, but difficult...

Reconnecting...

2011-06-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend my husband and I spent a weekend at a bed and breakfast together. It was the first time in over 7 years we have had a weekend without kids...almost didn't know what to do. It was a nice time to reconnect...we actually do get along pretty well, we like spending time together, and we can relax together. It is so easy in the business of everything to lose that connection. I found myself at times wanting to run away and realized how much I "hide" behind my children so I don't have to spend time with him. It has been scary to have all the time in the world to be together and not have any excuse not too. However, I have realized that the more I relax...the more I enjoy it. While we were away he gave me this card and I thought it extremely fitting to our life...

"I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship before hurt ever touched our hearts, before doubt ever entered our minds. Because if I could go back and start from those moments, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever hurt you. But I know I can't erase the mistakes. I can't take away the questions you must have or the hurt we both feel. But I can assure you of one thing - I love you - as I did then and as I always will." ~ Suzanne Berry

This was something my heart needed to hear. I think his heart also needs to hear a similar message...It is amazing to me how since I have been back from being gone for three weeks how the Lord has worked in his heart. His heart is so much more tender than it has been in a long time. And my heart is at a place to allow him into my heart. This is a new place for us to be...

Sharing the pain...

2011-06-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

On the way home from San Antonio, I called a friend from our first station after we were married. Her and I have stayed long distance friends for almost 9 years...it is one of those friends that you rarely meet, we can go weeks without talking and pick up right where we left off...I love her...She is a rare, honest person...and I like that...but recently there was a distance between us. Her and her husband had went on staff at our old church and I kind of started to feel like my life just wasn't good enough for hers. She never conveyed this but I just looked at her life and it seemed like all was perfect. Anyway, I had called her a few months back and she had told me her husband had lost his job at the church. He has been without a job now since October or November of last year I think. He has put in application after application and still nothing. They have four kids, $4500 left to their name, they didn't pay this months house payment, they have used up all their retirement, they have put their kids on medicaid, she is going to apply for food stamps...life to her feels very hopeless and she struggles to understand God in the middle of all of it. I listened and she cried and cried some more. Then for some reason she asked how A and I were doing and I shared the events since last September. She listened and then when I was done, she started crying and said she wanted to tell me something nobody else knew. She told me how her husband had again became entangled in pornography, how as a pastor he had kept it a secret for two years...he finally confessed to her and to their senior pastor...the senior pastor kept it a secret but dismissed them from the staff...and thus began their last few months...

We cried and cried together...sharing the pain of a shared secret, a shared wound, a shared brokenness, a shared shame, a shared burden...Cause I knew the pain she felt when no one else was around...and she knew the scars that my heart carried...I could hear the brokenness and pain in her voice as if it were my own...together we understood the roads we had each walked and shared...we understood the darkness of those kinds of moments...and we both understood the unspoken love and acceptance that was shared between us...and we trusted that...we shared our hearts...the good and the bad...

And I found when I hung up that my heart felt a little lighter...and it felt sad for all the pain that is hidden in so many hearts...it felt a little more hope...and it felt a little less alone...and it felt thankful that the Lord has strategically placed people in my life...for my benefit and for theirs...

The rest of the journey...

2011-06-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

The rest of my trip finally took a good turn. I spend Friday with a good friend and just relaxed and had fun. I hadn't been able to feel like that in many days...it was refreshing...then that night I got in a little "fight" with J & M...they thought I shouldn't drink any more alcohol and I didn't agree. I became very angry (quietly)...went upstairs, packed, decided I would leave in the morning, and went to bed. I couldn't even begin to express how I felt. I felt SO angry...but more frustrated with myself at the whole situation... This was supposed to be the fun part of the trip and yet I couldn't figure out how to feel connected to them again. I had shut down my heart so much while visiting my family that I couldn't reengage it to spend time with J and M. It was a very empty feeling. I remember thinking that maybe if I had a little alcohol that then I would relax and be able to share...but that didn't really work. That was frustrating. I still felt locked up inside and wanted to keep everyone away.

So the next morning I loaded up my car...I was angry but didn't know how to express that...I was hurt but didn't know how to express that...my heart felt like it was carrying a ton of weights but I couldn't express that to them... So I was just going to run instead...thankfully, my heart loves them enough that I really didn't want to do that...really I didn't know what I wanted...my heart was just hurting...

I went back inside the house and J started talking to me...He talked for a while but the only thing I remember out of the initial conversation was that he said maybe I just didn't know them...that broke the dam in my heart...the tears started falling unwelcome...I was standing by the front door and felt so alone and rejected in the world. I remember sitting down and putting my head on my knees and just silently crying...I think J was still talking but I wasn't hearing anything anymore...the pain of the past few weeks had caught up...I couldn't hold it all in anymore.

It hurt. The visit with my parents hurt. The constant reminders of my being an "outsider". Feeling replaced. Feeling unneeded. Feeling unwanted. Feeling rejected. Feeling unprotected.

J came over and held me. Then even more feelings started flowing...it was like one right after the other...painful moments over the last few weeks...feelings of rejection from my bio dad...pain...the tears just tumbled out as my heart felt the sting of the pain for the first time. I had collected all the pain from the journey but hadn't felt any of it, until them...and it felt wonderful to finally share the pain...my heart had been feeling like it was carrying tons of weight and in all the tears it found, it felt lighter...it felt less alone...it felt comforted...it finally felt connected again...

The tears stopped and J and I sat next to each other in a comfortable silence...my heart felt at home...

The rest of the trip was spent spending time together and connecting...my heart loved it but I found that it would also want to run away....I felt like I was in a constant battle inwardly to enjoy the connection. I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to run to them...very frustrating inward battle. But in the end, I enjoyed playing racquetball, talking, and cooking together...my heart felt refreshed and loved...

One day after playing racquetball with J, I just showed him the scars from the word I had cut on my leg...what in the world for, I have no idea...another day when we were reading the Word together, I showed him the scars on my wrist...I don't know why...off the top of my head I can only think of one other person I have showed my wrist scars to willingly...my youth sponsor (almost like a second mom)...I showed her I think for help...I wanted help...but didn't know how to get it or what I really even needed...I don't know why I showed J (or my dad)...even after that, I would still feel self-conscious about it, and would keep it hidden, I didn't want him to see it again...almost like for a brief unguarded moment I forgot about my walls...the barred, locked doors...and my heart for a brief moment reached out despite the possibility of rejection...

and it found acceptance and love...but sometimes it still doesn't know what to do with that...

Since I have been home my heart misses those moments of connection...it really does physically hurt sometimes...I can't explain it...my mind drifts back to the fun I had...and I miss them both...alot...

Blessings - Laura Story - LYRICS

2011-06-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

This is a really cool song...and the story behind the song is cool too...much truth to these lyrics...

Journey

2011-06-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

This has been a difficult journey...my heart is maxed out...it isn't feeling but overflowing with feelings...bad, bad news...not a good place...I need to escape...I need AN escape...I have no idea what I feel but I know I am feeling TONS...I had some alcohol tonight and last night...tonight I had some pills (and last night) tonight I want even more...apart of me feels a little afraid...the pills are calling my name...just have a few more...no one will know...it is difficult visiting one place to another with all the different feelings...my heart feel like mush...going from my grandparents house, my parents house, dropping my kiddos off with my in-laws, being away from my husband (which hasn't been smooth sailing), then trekking down to San Antonio...my heart feels like it wants to explode and wants to disappear...forever...

Tonight...I am telling myself...I will see my kiddos in a few weeks...they love me...they need me...all will be okay...and for tonight I think that keeps more pills at bay...I hope...but they call my name, they whisper to me...I feel afraid...to many and not a good thing...

I feel like I am drowning...I could sleep all day and feel okay...I feel real depressed...

I just want to run away...run away if it wouldn't hurt anyone else...if it wouldn't effect anyone else...

I just wanna cut...man do I wanna cut tonight...I could just cut and cut, till my arms looked like hamburger...and still I wouldn't feel like I solved anything...like I expressed how I feel inside...and have some more alcohol...and some more pills...it fucking sucks when I can't identify what I am feeling...it is a fucking screwed up place to be...I hate this place...and yet I find myself here sometimes...

I need to fucking release the intensity...I wish someone would start of fist fight with me and then I could just take out all my frustration in the fight...all my feelings would be spent...

The struggle is intense...more than once I have heard whispers for things I don't wanna do...just take the rest of the bottle...no one will know...

I don't wanna do that...I love my three little ones and they will be with me again in just a few short weeks...it is amazing how sometimes they can be outta mind and outta sight...but they are my anchor to wanting to live at times like this...my anchor...I suppose God should be, but one more thing I fuck up on...

DAMMIT!!! I hate fucking feelings...DAMMIT!!! I hate when I can't identify what my heart feels...I have been so shut down to survive this trip that I can't find a way out of that place...I want to keep everyone at a distance...and I HATE that place...DAMMIT!!! ...HATE it...but I don't know how to stop it now...

I just wish I could disappear and the world would be a fucking better place without me...

I wish no one loved me...just scream it at me please...so I can know the truth...I fucking hate not knowing...
Just hate me please...scream it at me till I dissolve into a puddle of tears...till you have exacted all life out of me...so it will be undeniable etched into my heart...

Then I could disappear with just a little less guilt...

I am finding it difficult right now to hold onto life...the scary part...I will be by myself in just a few short days...all alone on the road...all alone...no one has to know where I stop...no none has to know where I am...and maybe no one will find me...find out the fucking end to my life if I can't ward of the temptation....know one could find the fucking coward I am...

I hate so many things and love them at the same time...my biological dad...he SO PERPLEXES my heart...he makes a fucking mess of it...my mom just brings pain to it...I wish I could fix those things but I can't...and that hurts...it hurts that I have to hurt them and they don't totally understand why...I don't even think there is a scale for that pain...none at all...it can't even be measured in the heart....It can't fucking be measured...

but I do what I gotta do not for my sake but for my little precious babies...if I am wrong about it all then not tons lost...but if I am right then so much is saved and gained and protected in their precious lives...

God, I wish I had an anchor...I wish I really had a home...guess that is part of growing up and finding that within yourself...but part of me hopes my children never have to experience that...but I don't want to cripple them in any way...even if it means saving them from some pain...I want them to be strong, Godly, wise beyond their years, discerning, sensitive, knowledgeable, able to hear the voice of the Lord...feel his presence,,,be empathetic to those around them...tender yet strong...bold yet meek...leaders yet listeners...

However, I feel I fail them so much...I just feel I flounder in all of life...You know what is so difficult to me right now is I NEED, NEED some time in the presence of the Lord but I only seem to be able to find that in church...(I know that is a weak Christan) but I just can't find it anywhere else...that has been my food for the past few months and I have been without that for weeks...I feel like I am starving...I am on my knees crawling hoping I have enough energy to make it back,...............

June 6, 2011

2011-06-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

Well, a little over two weeks ago my kiddos and I made the trek from our current home to my parents home. The kiddos were excellent travelers. We spent 5 days with my grandparents and 4 days at my parents. Then I took the kiddos to meet my in-laws and they went back home with them for 4 weeks. I then drove to my best friend from high schools home and stayed with her for a few days. She just finished a book I had been wanting to read so I took the opportunity to read it. It was A Daughter's Dream by Francine Rivers. The author wrote the books in an investigation into the relationships between mothers and daughters; and how these patterns pass to the following generations. There were some gut wrenching portions of the book. I stopped and cried for at least 20 minutes...it was brutal...mind you I was reading this in the middle of the night so I might not of been in the best frame of mind. These few places the tears came and just wouldn't stop. They were words I would love to hear and feelings I would love to experience but probably never will. NO ONE on this earth has the power to give me these gifts...and the ones that could can't...so the possibility doesn't exist. At one point of the book the father said to his daughter (who had kind of been a prodigal child and who had been raped at the age of five, but kept it a secret until she was in her 50's) after she had been missing from their lives for 2 years "We are so happy you are home...we missed you." Inwardly she felt like "Really????" because she always believed and still did that they didn't really want her. When she verbalized these feelings he pulled her into his lap, wrapped his arms around her, cried, and told her again how happy they were she was home...it was more than she could believe. Wow, what a feeling to not believe your whole life and then hear the complete opposite. I can only imagine what it would be like to hear that and to experience (AND EXCEPT) that kind of love. It was so hard to read because inwardly I feel so many of those feelings when I visit home...I feel like I don't belong and never did...but as much as I shouldn't...I want too... Then another emotional part of the book was when she did finally tell her mom about what happened when she was 5 years old. Her mother showed so much sorrow at not knowing and wishing she could have done something different. But she gave her daughter one of the best gifts she could give her "I love you! I have always loved you! It was not your fault, you were just a child!" The unconditional love of her mother and the freedom to be free from her shame. The truth of these things built a bridge between their hearts and broke down the wall. It was powerful and moving; and reinforced in me the desire and commitment to be open with my children about my love for them...to demonstrate in words and actions so there is no doubt in their hearts and minds that they are loved always and completely for who they are.

Reunion...

2011-05-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

So I had my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. It was fun and good to see everyone again. Some people hadn't changed and some had. I don't want this to sound conceited but it was amazing to me to hear all the comments people had to say to me. Over and over people kept telling me how great I looked and I had changed so much...and wow, I just don't see it! And tonight I received a message from one of my classmates in regards to my parenting...made me cry...

So...L and I had a lot of time to talk on our drive back to Little Rock. Your family was one of the topics of discussion. We absolutely loved spending time with you and your kids. It's rare to see exceptional parenting and we were soooooo impressed with how you are raising your kids. You are a WONDERFUL mother. Don't get us wrong...there are some good parents in our graduating class, but you displayed something that we don't see all that often. You are raising your kids with respect, courtesy, and a healthy sense of self. We really enjoyed seeing you parent - from what you prepared for your kiddos to be entertained with to how you correct them in addressing new friends. You have wonderful kids and when wonderful kids are paired with wonderful parents, the outcome is extraordinary. Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that we admire the woman you are and how you are raising your kids!

It felt good to hear that because as a mom I am ALWAYS questioning if I am doing things right or screwing up my kids...and I just want them to be healthy in all ways and to love the Lord with all their hearts...

Pain

2011-05-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

You wanna talk about pain...let's talk about pain...MY PARENTS HOME...everything they seem to do is painful...everything they say is painful...I hate the damn family expectations placed on me...I hate the damn superficial interactions there!!! I am pissed off...I am pissed off at my bio dad and I am a little pissed off at God In the Father role....I like the father I got now and don't want another damn father...and if he throws me out with the garbage,...cool...but I never after that want another dad walking into my heart,..screw that!!! I would certainly know then I am an absolute piece of shit!!!! Fuck the whole damn world!!!! I wish I could step outside my goodie two shoes persona and give the bitches of the world a piece of my mind...granite I know the have issues but dammit take your issues out of my marriage and the hell out of my life...bunch of low life whores sent to destroy that which is sanctified!!! Screw the whole damn process...you know I will survive and even thrive in these next few weeks because that is just what the hell I do , but I am fucking tired of Montana, fucking tired of being trapped with no real adventure!!! I fucking hate it!!! And fuck the whole family get together to sing kum by ya...gag me...you all have you damn family bonding experience with out me!!! I don't need to bond with anyone in Tulsa...screw em all!!! And leave me the hell alone...and one other thing...please don't make your token appearance in Montana...don't worry I don't want the fucking sympathy and obligation in my life. Take it the hell elsewhere!!!!!!!!!

Stupid fucked up games!!

2011-05-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am really tired of the childish shit in this relationship...it is a bunch of bullshit!! But what do I care...I am outta here for at least 3 weeks...and really I don't expect much else...but it is annoying...I feel like I could explode...but nothing a few beers and some klonopin can't fix...and I just inwardly chant my mantra 2 more days and then after that what will be will be...but wow, this is feeling like a nice concoction...I bet there will be alot of alcohol at my parents...maybe I will have to indulge in some of that...

Psalm 71:23

2011-05-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

"When I open up in song to you, I let out lungsful of praise, MY RESCUED LIFE A SONG." (the message)

Baggage...interesting...

2011-05-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

1 Samuel 17:22
Then David left his baggage in the care of the baggage keeper, and ran to the battle line and entered in order to greet his brothers.

1 Samuel 10:22
And the LORD said, “Yes, [Saul] has hidden himself among the baggage.” They ran and brought him out, and as he stood among the people he was a head taller than any of the others.

I was reading the other day and came across one of these verses...These two verses intrigued me...very interesting parallel between each of these two men...what they did with the baggage almost reflects what happened in their lives...Saul hid among the baggage and David left his baggage (with the baggage keeper...sounds like the verse in the New Testament...cast your burdens on Him for He cares for you)...it not only reflects their lives but also their hearts even in this short story...Saul struggles to believe why God would call him...however, David says how dare the philistines defy the name of the Lord...already these stories at the very beginning of their lives show their hearts...just interesting...

Trip home...

2011-05-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

The closer I get to my trip back home the more difficult I find it to not pick up some alcohol...it sounds so nice...but I have been doing so good. There are just alot of emotions to deal with from this trip...I don't know what to do with all of them, however, I know on the other side everything will work out okay..someone just needs to explain that to my heart...

Counseling...

2011-05-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

So I think I am going to do EMDR with my counselor...I don't know what all it involves but I am willing to jump out there and try... So far, it has been quite the experience...the first step was to make a list of all the memories I wanted to work on and how old I was when they occurred...WOW!! That was difficult. I hate that when I start talking about all this that I start shivering and I get fidgety...My hands start playing with whatever they can find, my legs start bouncing, and I feel like I need to hide. It is insane! I can't control ANY of it...and that bothers me. I know it is happening but there is NOTHING I can do to stop it except stop talking about all that shit... I tried to be as open about everything I could remember... The next time we will order them in order of how traumatic they are... So far, I like the process...I like getting all those things out and making a list...and even though it will be difficult I like the fact I will get to talk about ALL of it... It is just difficult sometimes because I still struggle with what is real...what really happened...what really happened? Was I even really abused? Does somehow my brain just make it all up? Does some twisted part of me just want to have been abused, so she makes it up and then I respond because those would be traumatic things to happen to someone? I just really want to know what is the REAL truth...

Shame in the relationship...

2011-05-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

So our marriage counselor has brought up an interesting point. He pointed out that shame sits in the middle of our relationship between my husband and I. My husband's shame for where he has been and the things he has done and my shame for my past. It really is incredible to look at the relationship from this perspective and to see how this dynamic is true and how it plays out in ALL our lives. I know for me personally my lens on life is tainted by shame and therefore all things are interpreted through all those associated feelings...so I can imagine it is the same for my husband. And even when we are in counseling I am beginning to see just how much he reacts, thinks, and feels out of his shame...especially in relation to me...and I know the same is true for me. The thought occurred to me that I imagine there have been few times in our relationship that we have ever genuinely talked. Usually my shame communicates with his shame...but our little ones never talk...

The counselor had us make up a list of some things our children teach us...The list consisted of...

Vulnerable
Honest
Open
Tender
Forgiving
Affectionate
Willing to ask for things in a spirit of faith, dependence, and innocence

The counselor got around to asking if we could be these things...I am thinking "HELL NO!" ...No way will I be vulnerable...no way do I want to be completely open and honest about who I am, what I think and feel, no way do I want to be tender...and forgiveness...as long as you don't "use" me too much...and affectionate, nope makes me to vulnerable...and willing to ask for things...NOPE...cause there is just disappointment at the end of that road and once again, reveals way to much of your heart...

But it did open both of our eyes to what stands in our way and to where we need to be...

Having Sex v. Making Love

2011-05-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

My husband and I were assigned another video to watch from our marriage counselor. I found the video to be difficult to watch, but also very enlightening. It is difficult for me to watch these kinds of things and to think about where I struggle in the sexual relationship and also to look at how my heart chooses to interact with my husband in this area and others. As I watched this video I became profoundly aware of how distant I keep my husband. I think in the past I somewhat unknowingly kept him distant but recently I have purposely kept him distant. The speakers talked about how sex is an overflow of communication from the relationship. I think there have been times in our marriage where I have "made love" with my husband, but the sad fact is those would be few and far between because I NEVER really let my heart communicate...in the bedroom or out. And recently I think the more familiar I have become with pornography and sexual addiction I think it has made me more cynical of sex. I think the more I gain glimpses of what seem like to me the nature of men and sex the more repulsed I become and the more respect I loose for men in general. The more this happens the more distant I keep my heart and merely have sex. It becomes very easy to just give what is required and what you perceive is wanted and NEVER have to give any of your heart. But I have found that apart of me likes this...and apart of me looses more respect, more love, and more willingness to be vulnerable. I become more resentful and it is like the whole thing proves my belief that there really is nothing sacred about it...

2011-05-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

You can't hold onto anything that doesn't want to stay...you just got to love them while you have them.

Secrets...

2011-05-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

The secret of my heart is when it loves it loves FOREVER...no matter what...always...

You can kick me, beat me, hit me, hate me, verbally abuse me...

Tell me you don't love me and don't want me...

And my heart would still love...love always and without measure...

Like the dog of an abusive master, I would always want to return to your side...

My heart would wonder what is so flawed that I can't be loved...

What is so wrong with me that I am unlovable...

What did I do that was so unlovable...

Why is who I am so unlovable...

And I might be more guarded to show my love and to express my love...but my love will always be there...always...

Even all those in my past who have "loved" me but also used and abused me...even those my heart still loves...

It is a gift and a curse...

Francine Rivers

2011-05-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

"Jesus teaches us to love one another, but sometimes love doesn't come packed the way we want it. Sometimes fear has to be set aside so we can share the past hurts that have shaped our lives, so we can dwell in freedom with one another. And sometimes we don't recognize love when it is offered."

Perseverance

2011-04-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

I just don't know if I can keep going...it just doesn't look like it will get better. Dealing with my childhood sexual abuse is enough, add on a husband who is not at all understanding or helpful...in fact more like hurtful...the pressures of being a wife and mother...and my heart is empty...absolutely drained...I need a drink so bad, but I don't want too...I need to cut so bad, but I don't want too...I need relief...I keep telling myself only a few more weeks but the days are getting longer and my heart is growing fainter...I just wish their would be some hope...I hate that I am criticized for every damn thing I do!!! Why didn't I fuckjng take care of this mess before it ever really got started!!!