Growing Up Again by Jean Illsley Clark and Connie Dawson

Whether our parents loved us or whether they didn't is no longer the question.  Now the issue is, Do we love ourselves and do we accept love from everyone who is willing to give it?

As we change any confusing rule we may have in our heads about deserving love and being lovable we will be able to drop any "don't trust" rules that we have used to filter out love from others.

Those of us who grew up needing to earn love from our parents became suspicious when it was offered to us by others.  We passed love through a carefully constructed filter in our heads, a filter we built because we decided that unconditional love didn't exist.  At least not for us.

When we hear "I love you," do we ask ourselves, "What does this person want from me?" do we meet loving messages with the suspicion that the terms of that love are not on the table?  Do we even convert the love offered to us into criticism or feel ashamed because we are not truly good enough to merit it?  When someone offers us support, those of us with highly developed filters are likely to decline the offer.  Instead of welcoming aid and checking to see if it is freely given, we reject it.  We automatically say, "I'm fine, thanks," or "I'll be all right," or "I don't need any help."

Very serious business!!  When we throw away nurturing, we filter out the very love we long for, the love that is the foundation of our self-esteem.

Some of us decided to cope with being unloved and feeling ashamed by being "perfect," being "good," being "right," or being "better."  This makes our self-esteem competitive and bases it on the performance of others instead of on belief in our inherent capabilities and lovableness.

Until we recognize, believe, and accept straightforward, clean, nurturing love, we rob ourselves of our birthright - to be loved and to believe that we are lovable.  If you are tempted to ignore your new rules about accepting love, or if you convert a nurturing message into a shaming one, do this: 

-Tell yourself to let the message in and notice how it feels
- Ask the sender to repeat the message and listen carefully
- Say, "Thank you"
- Ask yourself if this person is trustworthy or if the love has a price tag.  If it does, take in the love if you want it, but protect yourself from the price.

Remember, we all deserve love; we all deserve to grow up again.  When we accept our longing for love, why do we continue to keep ourselves from getting and giving that life-sustaining support?  Sometimes we need to learn and apply new beliefs and skills.