Beating the little girl...

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with my heart, with the little girl. Sometimes she or it refuses to be apart of life...she insists upon hiding in a corner and it is fucking frustrating. I just wish I could beat her...she doesnt make sense...life is good right now and has been okay for a month or so and yet I feel numb, absolutely numb...deeply numb...

I love people, I love my husband, life is going good...and yet apart of my heart doesnt want to be close, doesn't care if anyone loves me...doesn't need anyone...

It is like she is setting in a corner starring off into space and wouldn't even notice if everyone left...I just want to beat her...to make her engage, to feel something...

These feelings reach into all areas of my life...I feel numb, disconnected...and I can't find the switch to turn it all back on...

I hate it...and at the same time I feel so numb I can't even feel that angry...

I don't know how to help her or what the hell her deal is...

Occasionally I feel like this to a certain extent, but it has been a long time since I have felt like this in basically all areas of my life...

Like my counselor...I know for certain she hasn't done anything to hurt my feelings ( so that can't be a reason with her which is sometimes a factor) and 2 months ago I couldn't wait to be in her office, to see her...now if I never saw her again, I don't think my heart would feel anything... I don't get it...it registers no real feelings, no connection...I don't understand...

It is frustrating to a part of my heart that wishes I could feel connected and loved...but I can't right now and I don't get it...