Insomnia

Insomnia is killer...I don't understand how I can be utterly exhausted and my body refuse to sleep...so frustrating!!!

Broken hearts...

"I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, you are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful God, forever."

This journey...life...brings questions, pain, joy, and sometimes answers...
Somethings can test your faith...in life, in others, in yourself, in God...

I've spent the last year or so really struggling in my faith with God...

You know, the age old question "If God is a loving God, how could he let bad things happen?" or some form or another of that...and beyond that, on some levels, it seemed impossible to view God as a loving father...

someone who could hold my broken heart...

someone who could mend the broken road...

I've found in the course of the last couple months that life (or maybe it's God) has a way of making you decide...

It can bring you to your knees internally and force a decision on you...

I found that breaking of resistance and anger, began in December when I miscarried (what would have been my fourth baby) at 5 weeks...

That was the first event of a few in a couple months that "knocked the air out of me"...

...it broke my anger and broke my resistance to God...

They took the fight out of my heart...

...and I've found the harbor, the place of rest, the place of refuge...

in my exhaustion...in my pain...

I don't get to control life...I don't get to control pain...I don't get to understand...

There are some events (or group of events) that hurt so deep... they bring you to your knees...

But amazing how God uses the broken road to lead us to him... The Father pulling us close...holding us...

I know these are lyrics pertaining to love on earth but I like them and they can be looked at differently...

"I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you"

I Lift My Hands by Chris Tomlin

Can you tell me a little more about that?

The other day I was in my counselor's office and the conversation started out pretty benign.  I was hanging with her and it was cool...but somehow "he" always comes up...somehow the conversation always turns to him...

Sometimes, I slip before I can even catch myself...and that day was one of those days...

And then I hear the infamous counseling question...

she says "Can you tell me a little more about that?"

...can i tell you a little more about that...uhhhh...

Instantly, I start shaking, sweating, feeling sick...oh the anxiety...

...can i tell you a little more about that...hmmm...

Tell you more about the man I have a love hate relationship with...

the man I love to hate and hate to love...

...can i tell you a little more about that...

The room suddenly feels real small and cramped and I feel trapped...

...can i tell you a little more about that...

Tell you about my dad you mean...the man who just sent me a box of my favorite homemade jerky...that man...

the man who taught me how to drive a stick shift in an old ford pickup...

the man I look so much alike...who I think like...

the man I love to play frisbee with...that man?...you wanna know more about him?

the man who taught me how to fix things...that man?  the man that I share so many similar interests with...that man?

...can i tell you a little more about that...

the man who has an evil twin...that man?

the man of my worst nightmares...that man?

the man who sometimes feels like the figment of my imagination...that man?

the man who was physically abusive...the man who was verbally abusive...the man who was emotionally abusive...that man?

the man who did sexually inappropriate things to and with his daughter...that man?

...can i tell you a little more about that...

i don't know which man you are talking about...

i don't know which man is my father...

i don't know which man...i don't know what is truth and what is imagination...

it feels so surreal...that man...those images...that man...that girl...that man?

...can i tell you a little more about that...

...can i tell you a little more about that...

Frank Crane

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

Subjective Truth

I have been studying the life, thoughts, and philosophy of Soren Kierkegaard.  Very interesting man...perhaps when I have a little more time on my hands I will devote myself to reading more in depth on his writings...  But he believed that truth was the inward experience of the individual...each individual determined the truth for their lives...

So here are a few truths I am learning...

Elephants can live anywhere and silence is their breeding ground

Honesty is deceptive and ruled by circumstance and beliefs

Love does not exist (at least not with humans)

Trust is a foolish choice and should be avoided at all costs

The human heart can only endure so much pain...but the human heart has great capacity to endure

Life has a great irony to it

Pain is a companion to life and choices invite it into the heart

Time merely takes away the stabbing pain and replaces it with a dull ache carried deep in the heart

“Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth — look at the dying man’s struggle at his last extremity, and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment.” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Truth...Lies...Anger...

 
If there is anything I have learned these last few years...It is to speak what I feel...to speak what is in my heart...
 
I've learned this...I have walked in this...and now when I don't do it...the words and feelings eat me alive...they almost devour my heart...
 
"Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy." ~ Aristotle 


I ran across this quote on another blog and I liked it...It fits for my life...

A few years ago, if you would have asked me what I feel...I couldn't really tell you...I didn't know...

And even now, sometimes I don't honestly know...but then there are times I do know...

And you know what pisses me off?!

Is when I know what the hell I am angry about and it is dismissed, shoved aside, discarded because of my childhood...because of who the hell my dad is...because of what the hell I came from...

It makes me fucking angry!

As a kid, my feelings, my perceptions, my thoughts, my beliefs were disregarded because I was a kid...

As an adult, people easily disregard my feelings, my perceptions, my thoughts, my beliefs because I was a kid who had a fucked up father...because I am a "kid" with a fucked up father...because I was abused...

It is so easy to dismiss what I say...simply because there are so many other damn good reasons why I would say what I would say and surely none of them could truly be related to the present...they must all be related to the past...

It pisses me off...

I want to scream!!!

I am an adult!  I DO know what I feel and I DO know who I am angry at and I DO know what made me angry and I DO know when my heart hurts...

I may not always be able to identify everything and I may be not always know when I feel grief, when I feel sadness, or hurt, or betrayal, or happy or anything else...

...but just for the record...

When I say what I am feeling and why I am feeling it...I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! 

and in these circumstances this quote from A Few Good Men comes back to me... Some people can't handle the truth...but... I am a person and I get to share the truth for my life...

"Jessep: You want answers?


Kaffee (Tom Cruise): I think I'm entitled to them.

Jessep: You want answers?

Kaffee: I want the truth!

Jessep: You can't handle the truth! (I love that part!! :))Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.

We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

Pisses me off when my present feelings are denied validity because of my past circumstances!